What he nver expected
by Reemus-Chan
Summary: After the war Harry moves in with Remus, Sirius, Ron and Hermione. While he fight the loneliness and jealousness between the couples, he falls for his professor. But he would never return that feeling now, would he?
1. Chapter 1

Harry sat at his desk in his small, but very comfortable room right underneath the roof in his new home. He was looking at the old pictures of his parents that Hagrid had given him all these years ago.

He used to look at them every night before he went to sleep, but lately he just didn't have the time to do it. All that had been going on with Voldemord and the horcrux-hunt had just been too much.

But he shouldn't be thinking about the past months again.

It was a warm summer night and he should be happier than… than in a very long time. They had given Grimmauldplace 12 to Severus and Draco, who had been looking for a place, because neither Remus nor Sirius had wanted to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary.

The small house was just outside London and Harry loved the space around him, the big garden, and the little shed, where they kept all the Quidditch equipment. He also loved that the house was always full of laughter even after all that had happened.

And still – he felt quite lonely after all. Ron and Hermione, who shared a bedroom right underneath his own, tried to show him that he was always welcome, but it still felt awkward to knock on their door late at night when he couldn't sleep because of another nightmare.

And even if Remus and Sirius never told him that they were a couple, Harry was not blind. He saw the way they looked at each other during supper, the way they talked, the way the pure love shine in Sirius eyes every time when Remus came home from the office.

And even though he knew that they all deserved it, especially Remus, Remus who had been feeling more pain than any of the others and still was one of the kindest, most loving people he had ever met… if he was being honest to himself, he had to admit that he was jealous.

He sighed and looked back down on a picture Remus had given him last night. Sirius and his dad smiled and waved up at him, their dark hair shining in the sun. How had his dad managed – if Remus and Sirius even were that close as they were now, when they were still at Hogwarts? What had he been doing during their free time?

But then again there was still Peter… Peter who would be selling one of his best friends to Voldemord just a couple of years later. He shook his head at his thoughts. He so wasn't going to think about this again.

He got up from his wooden desk and looked out of the window to watch the sun setting behind the hill behind the house. Then he turned around to climb down the wooden stairs and prepare dinner for tonight.

After another weekend of nearly depressing thoughts of Ginny, he had bought a lot of vegetables and meat to take a lot of time cooking. Cooking had become his cure. Of course Remus had told him many times, that he didn't have to cook every night, but concentrating on something normal, something he had done every single summer since he was eleven, let him forget his dark thoughts. He loved the calm feeling that filled his stomach as soon as he started cleaning the vegetables for tonight's meal.

Two hours later, he heard Remus come in the front door and cursed under his breath. He hated not having dinner ready when the hardworking man came home – not that Remus had ever complained. He usually went up to see Sirius for a bit anyhow, but Harry still guessed how hungry the man must be.

He glanced up surprised when Remus entered the kitchen quietly.

"I'm sorry Remus, but dinner won't be ready until in another 5 or 10 minutes…" he said hastily without turning around and started to cut the rosemary as quick as he could.

"Don't worry about it, Harry. I'm not that hungry anyway. Take your time." Remus smiled at him and leaned against the kitchen counter.

Harry was in such a rush that he cut deep in his hand. He cursed silently, waved his wand to quickly remove the blood from the herbs and added them to the meat in the pan.

"For god's sake, Harry!" Remus called and Harry heard the panic in his voice. The werewolf took Harry's hand into his and healed it with a quick wave of his wand. Harry waited for the older man to let go, but Moony held on.

"Be careful." His voice sounded soft and worried. Harry turned around and rang the big bell that would tell everyone that dinner was ready. Hiding his shaking hands he started to set the table when Sirius, Ron and Hermione came in.

"That smells delicious, Harry!" Hermione smiled at him, while they all sat down.

While eating everyone went quiet. Even though Harry had looked forward to eating this dinner for days, now he didn't feel very hungry. He felt Remus careful looks between every bite and it made him feel sick. He was glad when everybody was done eating and he could get up to get the chocolate fudge out of the fridge.

"Merlin, Harry, when did you make that? I was in the kitchen all day."

Harry looked sourly at Sirius. What was he supposed to answer now? Since he didn't really come up with any excuses and everybody was looking at him expectantly he decided that he just had to go with the truth for now.

"Last night." He murmured.

"What was that? I didn't catch it."

"Last night," he said, louder this time. They were quiet again, this time the silence was slightly awkward, which was very unusual with Ron and Hermione around, especially when they were not constantly fighting, like they did during school.

Slowly they started to eat again. Harry pretended to ignore the worried looks the others exchanged. He didn't want them to worry about him, but what in hell what he supposed to do?

When they finished eating and cleaning up Harry was more than glad that he could escape from the kitchen.

He had just lay down on his bed and buried his face in the huge pile of pillows he used when he heard a knock on his door. He knew right away that it was Remus, because the gentle careful knock indicated that it could only be his calm former professor.

He wanted to say no, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hide from him for a long time anyhow. He wiped the upcoming tears away with the back of his hand, pushed himself up and waited for Remus to come in.

When he did, he slowly walked over towards the bed and sat next to him.

"Harry, are you alright? Do you want to talk about… you know…" he made a wave with his hand and looked softly at him.

Harry didn't dare to look at him – after all he couldn't tell Remus that he was jealous… he couldn't tell him that he saw him – Remus – die every night and that he had to use silencing charms in order to not wake them up every time. He couldn't tell him, that it was all his – Harry's – fault. The longer he thought about it, the weaker he got and after a few minutes of silence he couldn't stop himself from shaking.

He felt Remus reassuring arms around him, holding him, telling him that it was okay, that he didn't need to be ashamed, that he was strong, that of course nothing would be easy, after all he, they, had been through.

Remus lifted Harry's chin with his fingers to look into those emerald green eyes, and wasn't surprised to see silent tears roll down his cheeks.

Comforting, he held on to Harry, until there were no tears left.

"Harry, you are not alone. I see you, and I am here anytime, alright? No matter what anyone says… you are not weak, or bad. You are very special and you don't deserve the pain you suffer." He looked at Harry with those kind amber eyes and Harry started to relax. That was just what he needed. He leaned against Remus strong chest and felt his lips on his forehead.

Harry hadn't realized how much time had passed just sitting on the bed, being held. Now Remus had put him into bed and promised to stay there until Harry would fall asleep. Somehow Harry trusted that man and he did not know why.

With that thought he drifted off to a much calmer, deeper sleep than he had in weeks.


	2. Chapter 2

When Harry woke up he looked around quite confused. It seemed to be early morning already; he could see his room and the sky outside the window next to him. Also, he didn't feel the numbing pain in his throat, like every other night, when he woke up from screaming.

Carefully he sat up, grabbing his glasses from his nightstand and put them on. When was the last time that he had slept through the night until morning? A look at his alarm clock made him gasp. It was seven o'clock in the morning.

He slowly got out of his bed, walked over to the window and tried to remember what had happened.

And then it hit him – Remus… he had come up after supper… Harry didn't remember when he left, so he probably stayed until he fell asleep.

Harry smiled and hummed quietly while he got ready for the day. He usually didn't leave his room until nine, but he was hungry, since he didn't eat much for dinner last night, so he quietly climbed down the stairs.

When he reached the kitchen, he was surprised to see Remus sit at the table, eating toast and having a cup of tea. Of course – Remus had to get ready for work. Harry had never spent a thought about what time his former professor had to leave in the mornings.

"Good Morning," he smiled friendly, got himself some toast and a glass of water.

"You're up early," Remus said with a surprised blink and looked down at his watch.

"Did you have a good sleep?"

Harry seemed to be in a great mood, which made Remus quite happy. He had been worried about the boy, nobody in his age could work all his confusion out on their own – and they certainly shouldn't have to either. Harry hadn't talked to any of them. He couldn't keep it up and he had realized that the boy was quieter than usual.

He had always liked Harry since he had met him at Hogwarts. Not only, because he was James' and Lily's son, but also because he was tolerant, kind and very open minded.

"Wonderful," Harry smirked at him, and gulped down his water, Merlin, had he been thirsty.

"When do you have to leave for work?" he asked curiously while eating his toast.

"I have another ten minutes. What are your plans for today?" He hoped that Harry would finally get out of the house, because it was certainly what the boy needed. He should meet other people; he was alone way too long for a boy his age. Of course it wasn't easy meeting people for the "Boy who lived" or the "Chosen One", but still...

Remus sighed. He wished he could help Harry more than he did, but he knew that it wasn't possible. Harry had to figure it out himself, even though it was not easy.

"The weather seems nice; I think I'll take the broom out for a fly. I haven't been in the air for ages."

Harry smiled. He knew very well that the others, especially Remus, worried about him not leaving the house except for groceries, and even then he used polyjuice potion to prevent stares.

The Daily Prophet still wouldn't leave him alone, and as that wasn't enough he got daily messages from the Ministry asking him whether he would join the aurors who were still trying to find all the death eaters. Even though he had told them felt two hundred times that he wanted to finish his seventh year at Hogwarts first, they wouldn't just leave him be.

Suddenly he realized that Remus looked tired, and felt a little bad, for making him worry so much.

"Remus…" he stopped. What was he about to tell him? Just give me more time? They both new that he hadn't any more time. He hadn't started going out during the past two months and now he had barely four weeks left before he would return to Hogwarts…

"It's okay Harry. I gotta go now. Do you need anything for tonight's dinner or are you all set?"

"I'm set." He answered staring at the wooden table. What was he doing? The last thing he needed in his current state of mind was a mad Remus.

He buried his face deep in his hands and tried to think clearly. Not only was he the Chosen One, but there was another topic he clearly tried to not think of.

He had loved Ginny, right? Or what else was this pain in his chest, the sick feeling in his stomach every time he thought of her, lying in the Great Hall, unmoving? But why was it then, that he never felt attracted to feminine curves but rather to muscles and handsome men?

He sighed. The signs that he was gay were pretty clear. But he couldn't be. What would Ron and Hermione say? What would people think if he not only started going out with someone, but with a man? And how in hell was he supposed to find somebody… somebody like himself?

That moment he heard the kitchen door open and jumped.

"Morning."

Sirius fell on the chair next to his and groaned.

"It's just too fucking early."

Harry grinned while getting up to make some coffee. When Sirius had a mug in front of him he nodded silently.

Harry got up.

"I'm out flying." He just said before he left the kitchen.

He would have time to his own out there, without somebody coming to interrupt his deep thoughts. But instead of thinking about how he was supposed to start going out his thoughts returned to Remus again.

He had been so kind, so loving, worried all this time for Harry. And all he did was what? Cooking? Ignoring everything Remus told him? How could he have been so blind, not seeing how much Remus cared for him? Instead he had been mourning around, how he was lonely and alone. But he never had been.

He suddenly knew that he could walk up to Remus with everything that was on his mind. Remus wouldn't mind. He would be there, listening, and trying to help.

He was a friend to him that nobody could ever replace.

For Remus sake, he had to go out. He had to show Remus that he was trying, because anything else wouldn't be fair to him.

He landed and put away his firebolt to write a letter to Luna and Neville. It wasn't easy since he hadn't contacted either one of them since they had left Hogwarts. Both of them reminded him that they were alive and Ginny wasn't.

That it could have been anybody else, but it had been Ginny, with her smell of flowers and her hair red as fire…

He had to stop this. Luna and Neville were two of his closest, most loyal friends. Contacting them wasn't only a step he had to do because of Remus, but because of them, too. He hadn't been fair towards them… They had been there with him, always.

When he had finally gotten a few lines down, asking them if he could come over for dinner tonight he got up to tell Hermione that she had to cook and find Hedwig so he could sent them the note.

Everybody was surprised when he told them that he had made plans for the night, but they tried hard to hide it. While Hermione did a pretty good job, both Ron and Sirius failed doing it, something that Harry had expected. He didn't tell them where he went, it wasn't necessary. When he heard Remus enter the front door he quickly grabbed some floo powder and left before he had a chance to annoy Remus with his uncertainty.


	3. Chapter 3

When Harry came home he wasn't very surprised to see Remus still sitting in the kitchen. He looked more tired than ever, but looked up happily when Harry entered the kitchen, a look that made Harry's heart skip a beat. Before he could think about why it did, or what that could possibly mean Remus got up and hugged him.

"How was your night?" He asked friendly. Harry knew that Remus didn't want to make a big fuss about it, but was curious anyhow. No wonder, Harry hadn't been at all for months and now, all of a sudden, didn't come home until 3 o'clock in the morning.

After dinner Luna had asked him if he wanted to go down to the town, and since Neville had kept pouring him glasses of firewhiskeys, he hadn't complained too much. Now he was more than slightly tipsy and fell down heavily on the next chair. He had tried to calm down before he went in the front door, but he guessed that Remus knew that he had one or two drinks too many.

"It was… different. I enjoyed it though… I think." He smiled quietly up at his friend and thought back at the talks about what was new. He also met a girl, who seemed to be quite interested in Harry himself, rather than in "the Boy Who Lived", but again, Harry hadn't felt anything.

Since Luna and Neville hadn't pushed on the topic he guessed that they thought that he still wasn't over Ginny. However, he himself knew he couldn't hide behind that excuse for the rest of his life. He had to think about what happened to him now, or it would just get worse with every day that he ignored the fact that he might maybe possibly be… gay. Even forming the words in his mind, wasn't the easiest thing he had ever done.

"That's good to hear. Where have you been?" Harry knew that Remus was relieved that the evening had gone okay, even though he tried very hard not to show it.

"We just went to a bar downtown… had some drinks…Something like that."

Remus grinned broadly at him.

"Some?" he laughed softly and got up.

"I'll have to get up to go to work in a couple of hours so I really need to get some rest. I will talk to you tomorrow though; I'm off early, alright?"

The werewolf got up, hugged him again and slowly made his way up to his chambers.

Harry stayed at his seat and stared into the flames of the candle on the kitchen table. Remus had always been judged and pointed at because of something that happened to him when he could barely remember. Even though the older man would never lose a single word or complain about it, Harry saw the hurt in his eyes, when he couldn't get a decent job without Harry's, Ron's or Hermione's help, when he couldn't go into some of the shops or bars, or when there was another article in the Daily Prophet. Even though Remus still was one of the most kind, friendly and sweetest people anybody could imagine, people wouldn't stop judging him for something that was entirely not his fault.

What would they say if their war hero was gay? And in that moment he just got mad. Mad at these intolerant, unfair, judging people who just had an opinion about everything, even though they understood absolutely nothing of it. He wanted to scream.

He got up and started pacing up and down the kitchen. He had to talk to somebody about this, or he would just explode. He thought of Sirius, but he was so depressed that he still had to stay inside the house, that Harry didn't really feel like talking to him about it.

Hermione and Ron… of course they would tolerate it, right? Hermione had always been an amazing friend. She had been there with him. Always. But he still wasn't sure how he was supposed to talk to his best friends, who were a couple, about something so… personal? Different? Unsecure?

His thoughts went back to Remus… Remus would understand how he felt and he would listen. But then again, maybe it would remind Remus of all that he himself had been through. Harry didn't want to hurt him by reminding him of what he was. Not that Remus would ever forget. He was still extremely careful around them, and Harry knew that he still locked himself in when he went to bed. Every time he realized that, he wanted to get up, go out and find Greyback, and the first time he wanted to kill, not to rescue somebody's life, but just to… kill.

He tried to stop his thoughts. It was already 5 o'clock in the morning now, but he was still wide awake and didn't really want to sleep. He was too scared to see Ginny again, to see Tonks again, and to live through his every night hell again.

When the sun was rising, he blew out the candle and stepped towards the backdoor to watch how the fog lifted up. It was a beautiful morning. Everything was silent; just a few birds were singing beautiful melodies. The sky looked as if somebody tried to burn it down, a light orange, mixed with light grey clouds. He smiled at the perfection of nature.

Seeing that, he realized that after all life wasn't too bad. He had survived, and he still had friends. He had people that wanted to share a house with him, that were there for him and would always listen to them. He only needed to ask. He wasn't alone. For the first time he had something like a family, and maybe sometime soon he could try to convince the ministry of Sirius' innocence. He hoped he would be able to do that, before Sirius birthday that was coming up sometime soon, if he remembered it right.

When he heard Remus getting up he turned around to make him some eggs and tea, after all Remus had only had some hours of sleep because of him plus Harry wanted to ask him for another favor, another talk.

He had to do it. He didn't want to hurt Remus, but he felt like that man was the only one who would possibly understand. To be honest with himself, he was the one he trusted most right now. Of course he trusted Sirius, a lot, but with that bad mood the man was in… Harry shook his head and put the scrambled egg on a plate next to the roasted tomato and some toast.

When Remus came in Harry smiled up at him shyly and put the plate and a cup of tea on the table.

Remus smiled and shook his head.

"Seriously, Harry?" he asked while he hugged him tightly. Harry knew that it meant a lot to him, and decided to do without the pun that lingered in his head.

"Did you_ try_ to sleep?" Remus asked sighing, while he started to put some butter on his toast. Harry thought about lying for a second, before he shook his head.

"I… I was scared of what I would see." He mumbled. In the same second he asked himself why in hell he had just said that.

Remus nodded silently, put his hand on Harry's knee and looked at him.

"I'm sorry." He said and took a sip of his tea.

"That's okay." Harry said, even though they both knew that it wasn't.

A bit later, when Remus got ready to leave for his office Harry closed his eyes, took a deep breath and just asked him.

"Remus… can we… um… can we maybe talk about... um … something later?" He blushed. He sounded like a complete idiot. This was just Remus for Merlin's sake!

"Something Harry? What is it? I mean of course, always." He smiled.

"I'll see you later then?"

Harry smiled.

"Yeah. Take care, Remus. "

This time it was Harry who hugged the older man.

When Remus had nearly left Harry whispered after him: "Thank you."

But he knew that his former professor had heard him anyway – after all he was a werewolf.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry spent the day in the garden, cutting down some trees and enjoying the sunny weather. Later on he took out a blanket and lay down underneath one of the trees to read in his school books for his last year at Hogwarts.

He remembered his fifth year, and even though this time he wouldn't have Umbridge and his worries about occlumency, he didn't forget how much he already had studied for his OWL's. He didn't doubt that it would be much worse this year.

While he was wondering who would be teaching DADA this year he turned a page and concentrated hard on the next topic – unicorn blood and how it was used for different, quite complicated potions. He was trying so hard to understand that he didn't even realize that somebody came through the back door and joined him on his blankets.

After a while just sitting there and watching Harry, who was obviously working hard on his homework for his last school year, Remus cleared his throat.

Harry jumped, pulled his wand out of his pocket within seconds and turned around. When he recognized Remus he relaxed and smiled sheepishly.

"Um… hi Remus." He choked out and closed his book nervously. He had tried not to think about this talk all day, but now that Remus sat there in front of him the fear came back with all force.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Remus smiled genuinely. When he looked at Harry he saw the fear in the younger boy's eyes and calmly put a hand over his.

"Hey, calm down. We have all the time you need, Harry."

He nodded but his hands were still shaking. Remus wondered what Harry was hiding so deep down, that it was scary for him to talk to him about it.

"Harry, did I ever hurt you?" he asked, after they were silent for a few minutes.

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Do you trust me?" A quick nod.

Harry felt like the world was turning around him, blood rushed through his body and he needed something to hold on. He panicked.

"What are you scared of?" Remus asked carefully since he didn't know how else to get to Harry.

"I-I'm scared that you will… judge me… or to… h-hurt you." Harry stared at his own knees, while he said that.

Why in hell did he decide to talk to Remus again? But then again it was too late now anyway. He could just say it and get over with it.

"I think I'm gay." He blushed and got up to run. He didn't just tell his _former professor_ that he thought he liked boys, did he?

Remus grabbed him by his arm and pulled him back towards his chest. After holding him for a few seconds he shook his head.

"Harry, you really don't need to be ashamed of that. Whether you like girls or boys really doesn't make any difference at all. You love who you love and we will accept that – all of us. Listen to me, Harry. We all care about you deeply, and when we are… strict about your sleeping or anything like that… we are just worried about you. Listen, all of us made mistakes, but after everything that happened over the past years, we just want you to finally be happy. And how am I supposed to judge you, knowing how you fought for all of us since you were just a boy? After you fought for me, never judging me for the beast I am? You did so much for me, and your friends, and the wizarding world. You would have died for us. No matter what you do, you will always be a part of my family."

Harry looked up at Remus and leaned against him. He felt relieved. Remus still accepted and loved him. Everything was alright. He just felt so loved and so beautiful. What friendship could do to him was just incredible. He would have never guessed.

He closed his eyes and relaxed his sore muscles. He was tired and drifted off to some place between sleep and wake, somewhere between dreams and reality and he felt safe.

They stayed there together without moving much until the sun slowly sank behind the trees and made the house shine and shimmer like fluent gold. It reminded Harry a bit of Felix Felicis, not only the color, but also the feeling he had after this silent afternoon. Remus' warmth let him forget his pain and sorrow, his anger about Ginny's death, his fear of his dreams and what people would say when he returned to Hogwarts. Even though he now was in Ginny's year, there would be many other people from his year repeating along with him, all those who had been hiding in the room of requirements during Snape's time as headmaster.

Remus, as well, felt content just sitting there and blinking in the sun. He felt that Harry trusted him and that he didn't care about the beast. The last time he had somebody that tolerant about it was at Hogwarts when he had met his first real friends…

Harry thought about making supper, but he didn't really feel like moving. Food could still wait, or somebody else would cook – he was sure that nobody would say a word, even though he slightly worried about Sirius in the kitchen. It probably wasn't the best idea for the house, but he really didn't care.

Sirius had gone looking for Remus, but when he saw him with his godson in the garden, he just smiled happily. He as well had been worried about Harry and he was glad that he had finally trusted Remus – as it seemed anyway. He knew that Remus was perfectly great about this kind of talks and decided to leave them their time. It was certainly good for Harry to talk to Moony; he knew that much about his old friend. Sirius still smiled – he was so glad that he got Remus back, even though he had never said it out loud. He had missed the calm wolf more than he would ever say out loud.

Remus and Harry finally moved inside when it got cold. Since it was already relatively late they decided to cook together and that night the kitchen was filled with giggles and laughters.

Later Remus and Harry played a round of wizard chess – they were more or less equal, since Ron and Peter were both absolutely great and had made them play with them on a regular basis during their time at Hogwarts.

It was such a calm and friendly evening that Harry went to bed relatively early without fear of seeing Ginny again, or Fred, or Dobby, or Dumbledore, or Mr. Weasley or any of the others. And really he didn't wake up from his screams the following night, and woke up, feeling stronger than he ever had.

While the days went over he got even closer to Remus. They talked and cooked together, and when Harry would drift off in some sort of depressing thought Remus would tickle him until he forgot what he was even on about. Harry would teach Remus flying, since he never had felt at home on a broom when he was younger, while Remus would tell him everything that he still remembered of his final exams at Hogwarts. Sometimes one of the others would join them, but mostly it was just the two of them, growing closer than they ever had before to anybody else, without even noticing it.

The first time they realized how close they got was when they went swimming, just the two of them, Ron and Hermione both worked so much, that they had hardly had time for each other and wanted to spent the little time together they had left. Sirius had told them that he didn't like swimming since Azkaban. It reminded him too much of the prison and his break out.

Remus remembered a bit too late that he would have to let Harry see his scarred body and was nervous how his close friend would react. He realized that he feared to lose that boy more than he had imagined.

When he had silently opened the buttons of his top, he looked at his feet. He was ashamed of the way his chest was covered with scars; so many, that you could hardly see the skin between them.

However, when Harry realized Remus problem he didn't ignore it or looked away. He looked at him, and when Remus tried to turn away from him he firmly held onto his wrists and looked Remus in the amber eyes.

"You are very beautiful, Remus, never forget that. For me perfection doesn't count, society doesn't count, they have left me down far too many times." He put his hand on Remus' chest where his heart was.

"But you count. You count, because you showed me that I am not the one who is weak. You told me that since I was 13 years old and you always helped me carry on. You never left me down, you never hurt me and you would do anything to make me happy. "

Remus had to bite down on his bottom lip to prevent himself from crying.

And from that moment on Remus knew that he would never let the boy go, because he was certain about one thing: there was nobody like him.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys...  
Thank you so much for you reviews! It's the first fic I have ever written so I am kinda confused and nervous and that! You are great! I would never have thought that anybody read or review this 3 THANK YOU SO MUCH 3  
Alright this chapter is kind of a bit... I don't know... maybe a tiny little bit OOC... am kinda really nervous whether you like or hate it so let me know *sheepishsmile*

Also... are you ready for a relationship to establish or is it too quick? PLEASE I NEED YOU TO ANSWER THIS! I'M NOT SURE MYSELF!  
LOVE YOU GUYS 3

One day, Remus came home late. It had been a long day at the office and for some reason he hadn't been able to think about Harry, how his smile lit up a fire in his green beautiful eyes that reminded everybody else so much of his mother. Remus always saw some shade in them that clearly reminded him of Harry, and Harry only. Since he wasn't able to concentrate on what he was doing everything took him twice the time, which was really unusual for him. Even at his time at Hogwarts he was famous for always being able to concentrate on his homework or studies; no matter how loud it was in the common room or what Prongs and Padfoot were doing right next to him.

When he entered the entrance hall and hung up his cloak Sirius came running in and stared at him. His face was white, his eyes wide and reddish, like he had been crying hard for some reason. Remus tried to stay calm and wait for him to say something, but in all the time he had known Sirius he never saw him crying.

Shouting at everybody, breaking things, wanting to kill – yes. But tears? Never.

"What's wrong?" he whispered. He didn't really want to know what happened.

Please don't let it be Harry, Please don't let it be Harry, let him be safely in the kitchen, worrying that dinner wasn't ready yet… Please…-

"Harry." It was just one word, whispered like a light breeze, but he still felt like his world crashed down. He didn't want to understand, to accept whatever Sirius was about to tell him.

"We are not sure what happened… We were sitting in the kitchen and talking about his birthday present and we didn't realize that he came inside… He had been out in the back yard all morning. So Hermione saw him and somehow panicked a little bit and I think she nearly screamed. We stopped talking the same second and he just looked at us, turned around and left."

Sirius looked so desperate that Remus just couldn't be mad at him. Still, he was so scared. Thinking hard, he tried to figure out where Harry could have gone.

They had talked a lot over the past weeks, about so many things, but most of them concerned the past rather than the present or future. Harry didn't need to worry about the time that lies ahead, he could get any job he wanted to get, he had enough money and since he hadn't been ready to fall in love again, after what had happened to Ginny, there wasn't anything to talk about there either.

They had talked about deeper things then where Harry could be going now. He had told him that he had seen Luna and Neville, but it seemed very unlike Harry to go see them when he ran away from his best friends and Sirius. Remus knew how much Sirius meant to Harry, if he hadn't been able to stop him, what was he, Remus supposed to do?

"Did you check Luna's and Neville's?" he asked, still trying to stay calm. Sirius nodded.

Without saying another word to his confused friend he pulled back on his coat and walked back to the front door.

"What are you doing? Remus you can't just run off without anything like a plan and check every house in London. He could be everywhere. In the end we will only lose you as well."

That was enough. Remus gasped as Mooney's anger raged through him. He knew he might be sorry for it later, but he didn't remember really why it was a bad idea to scream at the man in front of him. He hadn't been able to concentrate all day, so now he knew that control was going to slip from him in the next second. He gave a last hopeless try to fight Mooney and relax, but it was senseless. He felt such anger, that they had treated Harry wrong, looking at him in shock when he entered, like he was some dangerous beast, like him…

"I DON'T CARE SIRIUS! HOW CAN YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AFTER YOU MESSING UP WITH HARRY? JUST BECAUSE VOLDEMORT IS GONE DOESN'T MEAN HE COULDN'T BE IN DANGER TO BE TORTURED…. OR…. RAPED…. OR KILLED! DID YOU EVEN THINK OF THAT?"

Ron and Hermione appeared in the doorway, their eyes wide in shock – they probably never saw him like that, he never let them see the beast he was inside, always tried to hide, what he was able to do… Right now, he didn't care though.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK HARRY WILL THINK, WHEN HE COMES INSIDE AND SEES YOU GUYS SUDDENLY GO ALL QUIET AND STARE AT HIM LIKE HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU?"

He turned around to face Sirius. The man jumped and looked … was it fear? He didn't care.

"HE TOLD YOU HOW HE FELT AFTER HIS DREAM ABOUT ARTHUR – HE CAME TO YOU WITH HIS WORRIES. DID YOU NOT THINK OF THAT? I TRY MY BEST TO GET HIM BACK INTO BELIEVING IN HIMSELF AND YOU… YOU… YOU…!"

He suddenly felt something behind him and turned around like an animal that got ready to attack. Hermione had gotten a bit closer; probably she wanted to calm him down or something, but he wasn't going to listen. He didn't even know why exactly he was that angry, but he didn't care.

"HE COULD KILL HIMSELF AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"Remus!"

Sirius voice sounded desperate.

"Remus, are you in there at all?" He felt how Sirius wrapped his warm hand around his wrist and stared into those stormy grey eyes. Something moved inside him, and he felt like he should remember something, something important, but he couldn't quite catch what it was.

"Remember who you are, remember your heart, your friends, Remus, please."

The please did it, he could accept it, that man respected his authority… He got the wolf to calm enough to remember who he was, and what he was doing. Ashamed he struggled not to run away as well and sank back a bit. Sirius let go of his wrist and slowly turned around to see whether Ron and Hermione were alright. They seemed a bit distressed and startled, but except from that didn't show many emotions.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled, without directly looking at them, while he went into the living room and sank into the couch and patted it for the others to follow him.

Sirius waved his wand and bottle of his favorite firewhiskey appeared on the table in front of him, next to it four small glasses. He filled each of them and to his surprise Remus took it gratefully.

After a few minutes of silence Remus sighed.

"What you need to understand is, that me and the wolf… we are two separate personalities. We are like two people in my head, constantly. Usually… when the full moon isn't about to rise I can control the wolf and am much stronger than him."

He only realized that he was shaking a bit, when Sirius took his hand and squeezed it lightly. He looked up at him thankfully.

"Of course, I would never harm any of you. The wolf would though. And when I get a bit… angry… or upset… or in this case, worried, about something… if I have really strong, negative emotions… the wolf has a chance to take over my mind with ease. I can't really concentrate fully on keeping the control and then things just start from there. That happened tonight, especially since I was tired, and exhausted, and had a head ache from a hard day at work. I didn't want to fight it."

He shook his head sadly.

"I'm sorry you had to see this. It's just… I still knew for some reason it was wrong to let the wolf take over, but he was so strong that I couldn't exactly remember why it was wrong. It was just easier."

He started pacing, he couldn't just sit there. He was scared to look any of the others, scared to see the fear in their eyes, fear of him.

When he was suddenly pulled in a deep embrace, he was so surprised that he nearly jumped.

"Shush, Remus, it's okay. Nothing happened. And you didn't say anything wrong… we love you and nothing will ever change that. Ever." He suddenly felt grateful for Hermione's words. He knew it was stupid, but he needed her words like he needed air.

Before they could say another word they heard the fire and one second later Minerva McGonagall stood in front of them.

"Who of you bloody idiots made Potter believe that-"

Remus put a hand on her arm.

"I already freaked out them one minute ago, I think they got it. Did you see him?"

The worry in his eyes made Minerva choke.

"I… um… he is at Hogwarts. I let him stay in the head boy's quarters for a bit so that he can calm down. He is fine, except from the emotional… exhaustion."

Remus sank back on the floor, endlessly relieved.

"Thanks God!" he murmured.

"Alright. He can stay there for one night, right? We will talk about this tomorrow. It's late and he will need his time. Will you look after him, Minerva?"

She nodded.

"Of course. Even though I still don't believe you. After all that he has been through? You're supposed to be his godfather, Sirius." Shaking her head she moved back through the living room. Before she could leave though, Remus called her name.

"Tell him, that I love him"

She nearly smiled at that before she finally left their house.


	6. Chapter 6

The same second the door shut behind him, Harry realized the first time that he really didn't have anywhere else to go, anywhere where they wouldn't expect him to go.

He thought about Luna and Neville, of course, he had grown close to them again, and he had to admit, that he loved them dearly. The loyalty and trust they shared seemed to be one of the most important things he could imagine in his current state, and he realized that he could talk to Luna like to a sister.

Still, he knew that their house would be the first thing the others would check, and he didn't want to see their expressions again.

He needed to hurry or they would come outside and tried to get him to come back inside, and he didn't want to see the fear again, which would be mirrored in their eyes.

Suddenly he knew where he could go. He had always a second home. How could he forget about Hogwarts? He wasn't sure whether he would be able to get inside, but it was a mild summer night, and he could still go to Hagrid's, he was sure his friend wouldn't mind in the least. He never had.

He apparated and felt the common of apparition, before he landed with a plop in Hogsmeade, right across from the Three Broomsticks.

Everything was silent, different from the last time he landed on the exact same spot with Hermione and Ron. He shivered at the thought but pushed it away while walking through the light breeze. Even though it was darkest night he didn't have problems finding his way home.

When he reached the lake he stopped and looked over at Hagrid's hut. Everything was dark. He cursed under his breath, even though he needed some time of his own right now anyway.

Still he did need some place to sleep and he certainly wasn't going to run back home. He laughed coldly at the thought 'home'. Yeah, right.

He suddenly felt like he was 15 again, it was Christmas eve and everyone seemed to be thinking about he would try to kill next, after Arthur Weasley had escaped… that time.

He buried his face in his hands and tried to remember the day… What had he done this time? Did his green eyes turn red? Or was it just him who they saw? Did they see the murderer in him? Did they finally realize that he killed somebody – purposely? But what choice did he have?

Of course he had thought of this. He had felt cold and nearly didn't believe in his own heart anymore. He had killed people before turning 18 years old. Was that because of who he was or because of what he saw or did he just do what he had to do?

Of course he thought of it, one tiny moment asking himself whether he had to go to Azkaban for it. Took them a long time to realize that, he thought sarcastically to himself…

He looked over to the forbidden forest. Maybe he should just go inside and let himself be killed. Would anybody care? Maybe they would be happier without him. What good had he done lately anyways? He didn't deserve any of them…

He struggled to concentrate. No, he couldn't do that… He didn't see Remus since last night and he had been as gentle as ever. He remembered those amber eyes, full of love and care. Nothing was hidden in those depths – no fear, no accusation, no anger.

Suddenly he felt ungrateful – Remus had done so much for him. It was best when he found some place to sleep. He believed in Remus' love.

Minerva was about to go to bed and just wanted to close the curtains when she saw a dark creature sitting down by the lake. Confused she lit her wand, but couldn't really see what or who it was.

The creatures that lived down in the forest never left the safety of the trees… But what was it?

She decided that she wouldn't be able to sleep this way anyway, put a delusion charm on herself, grabbed her wand tightly and started walking down the wide stairs of the castle.

The first summer she had stayed here when all the students had left to get some papers ready it had felt a bit scary but over the years she had grown accustomed to it. The long shades and the loud noises of her own shoes on the cold stone didn't scare her anymore.

This night she felt a bit nervous, but tried to ignore the flattering feeling in her stomach. She went outside and was surprised how mild it still was. When she got closer to the lake a cloud moved and the moon lit up the shore: thin legs and arms, dark robes, black, unruly hair…

"…Mr. Potter?"

When the boy turned around, she nearly tripped back. The look in his eyes was so lost, so fearful, nearly desperate. She looked at him distressed for a few seconds before she silently sat down next to him.

She had wondered how the boy was doing. Everybody was just seeing the hero, strong, but after all he had lost several friends, his girlfriends, and what worried her most when she looked at him, was that that boy, just 17 years old, had killed a man.

She remembered like it was yesterday when she had met Albus and Hagrid at Privet Drive, when Harry had just been a baby. It felt like it had been just yesterday.

For a moment she didn't know what to say. For God's sake – what were his friends and his godfather doing? She was his teacher, not his… family. Of course he didn't really have a family, but Sirius was supposed to take some responsibility! Well, she would have to deal with that idiot later.

"Harry?" the question sounded nearly careful, friendly. It sounded strange to her own ears and she nervously cleared her throat.

Harry looked at her and she could spot a tiny spot of surprise in his eyes, before it disappeared into the expression of...of… she couldn't really name what it was.

"What happened?" He just shook his head.

"Nothing, I just missed Hogwarts."

His voice sounded broken, scared, like he didn't really know where he belonged. She crooked her head and just looked at him until he blushed. He would not be lying to her that just wasn't an option.

"I... just…" he suddenly buried his face in his hand and seemed to try to calm down by taking some deep breaths. He was shaking a bit and Minerva had no idea what to do now.

Damn you, Sirius Black!, she thought desperately and was about to put a hand on his back when he seemed to calm back down and sat up straight.

"Did you have a fight?" she asked carefully. She knew how important Harry was to Sirius, she had talked to Albus about it once. She remembered his exact words.

'Voldemort knows that Harry is the one person Sirius would die for.'

Why was Sirius not here with Harry? Why had Harry not talked to his godfather about it? He usually did that. Sirius wasn't the only one who had a close bonding to his godson, Harry as well saw Sirius as the father figure, he had never had.

"Not exactly… it's just…" he looked at the lake.

Could he tell Minerva McGonagall, this… he couldn't even describe her. But lately she had changed, like everybody seemed to change.

After all she had her heart at the right spot, and he knew that. He remembered the words she had said when he suddenly stood in the middle of the Great Hall, after making Snape leave in no such a friendly way. He nearly smiled at the thought of it.

He had thought earlier about how loyal Luna and Neville had been, but Minerva McGonagall, had been loyal as well. She had stood up for him in the darkest times like his best friends had.

'It's good to see you, Mr. Potter.'

She had trusted him; she hadn't asked him what in hell he was doing or told him to leave right away before Snape could talk to Voldemort. She had trusted him that whatever he was doing was important enough to finally fight Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

And suddenly he knew he could trust her. Even though she wasn't the first person he would have thought of turning to in his time of need, he knew, right now she was the perfect person to talk to.

She was smart and experienced – and she would understand. She knew him since he was a kid and she had been there, fighting for him, without him really noticing it. Not because she was evil, or anything like Snape. He suddenly didn't know how he had missed how gentle and caring his teacher had been all those years. She had stood behind him after all… He remembered his fifth year and the talk about him becoming an auror. He would never forget Umbridge's face.

'Are you sure you don't want a cough drop, Dolores?'

And with that thought he started to tell her everything. It was like a waterfall, his feelings, his fears, it all just spilled down in the mild night.


	7. 7 (I know Im mean by ending it that way)

When Harry entered the floo the next morning, he hoped he could just silently get up to his room without meeting anybody. It was still relatively early, but not early enough for Remus to still be in the house.

Of course he knew that he had to talk to them eventually, he couldn't avoid somebody who he lived with after all. He just wanted to get some more time to think about what Minerva had said.

However, when he entered the kitchen he was pulled in a bone cracking embrace. He nearly fell and accidently leaned against that body. Even though he hadn't been able to see who it was he knew instantly that it was Remus. He smelled like a forest after rain, like the chocolate he would love to eat, and something he couldn't name. He would always recognize that smell that he associated with safeness and friendship and love. He also felt the tight muscles of Remus' chest, his strong arms wrapped tightly around him.

For a moment he struggled, but then he just leaned in, closed his eyes and took deep breaths. When Remus finally let him go after a few moments his lips brushed against his forehead. It was just some innocent gesture; however to Harry it felt like pins and needles. He knew that he wasn't supposed to feel that way. He also knew that there wasn't a hope in hell that it would make any difference. He was glad that Remus saw himself as a friend to him – he was flawless after all.

He was the living example that life isn't fair. Remus was calm, kind, intelligent, had the best marks, cared deeply for those around him, he was strong – both emotionally and physically -, he was a great friend, loyal, brave… And still he wasn't able to get a decent job, just because of him being a werewolf.

Harry didn't think he deserved him. At all.

Quickly he made one step backwards and looked everywhere but at Remus.

"Why are you not at work?" he finally managed to choke out to break the silence. He didn't want to talk about what had happened. He felt ashamed of running away instead of talking about their problems and he felt ashamed of not realizing how they would be scared of a murderer. No matter what McGonagall had said – he knew that it was true.

"I took a day off."

Harry stared at him in shock. Remus never took days of at work, he even worked on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. He didn't make a lot of money out of it and he didn't let Harry or Sirius pay for anything, even though they both had more money than they could ever spend.

"Why? I mean… it's totally okay of course… but you are always the one that your work is important and that…"

He looked at Remus in confusion.

"You are more important, though."

Harry just stared at him. Either he was actually going insane, or he didn't understand what Remus' had just said.

"What?" he asked, absolutely positive that he was going mad. Next thing they would take him to St. Mungo's or something like that.

Remus just shook his head. "Sit down, Harry. I'll make us some tea and then we can talk alright?" He saw that Harry was shaking and put his hand on the boys trembling shoulder. He felt like warmth spread out from his hand that touched the boy through his body that left a hot and bothered feeling behind. What does that mean? What's going on? He knew that the full moon was close, but that didn't really explain the way he felt.

Of course his feelings got stronger this time of the month, but for that to happen, there needed to be some feelings in the first place, feelings that didn't have anything to do with him being a werewolf. Well, he just had to ignore them. Harry would just live with him for another few weeks anyway, before he returned to Hogwarts.

Of course he would do everything to help Harry to get through this mess. He was still kind of mad at Dumbledore – even though he would never tell anybody about that anger. How could he put all this on Harry? He was just 17, for god's sake. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

But that life wasn't fair, wasn't new to him.

"Hey, it's alright. I won't push you or anything. We have all day, the others have gone to do their shopping for Hogwarts and plan on staying at the Burrow for the night." When Harry finally sat, he started making that tea and then sat next to Harry. The boy stared absently in his teacup without saying anything. He seemed to be deep in his thoughts, a process that Remus didn't want to interrupt.

He just sat there and watched that kid that looked so much older than he should. It wasn't that he was tall or anything. It was the facial expression, the shimmer of his eyes that made him seem old. He had seen things other wizards would never have to see, he felt things they wouldn't have to feel. He remembered himself when he was 17. He had – of course one year earlier than Harry – finished Hogwarts at that age…

He remembered it like it was yesterday. They had just finished their NEWT's, and surprisingly they all did alright. Of course he had tried to make Prongs and Padfoot study some more, but of course it hadn't worked.

It had been a sunny day and they had spent their free afternoon outside. It had been the last full moon before leaving the safety of Hogwarts – after all a war had been going on, a war that Harry ended not only once but two times. The last time he had only been a baby…

The first time in years he hadn't told his friends that the full moon would be coming up, and the others didn't seem to notice.

It wasn't as he didn't trust or love them. But he knew that they all had plans for their time after Hogwarts. He had endangered them enough for the past seven years. Of course they would have been better off without him, but to some point he was egoistic as well. He needed them. He was scared of being alone. They had made all his dreams come true, and he wasn't willing to let it go.

After all, he still was a dangerous beast, something that nobody could control, nobody could change, no matter how hard they tried, how smart they were, how brave they were. He still was – partly – a monster that would hurt, rape and kill anybody that came across him.

A monster that honestly was everything he was not. Just the monster was him.

It all was very confusing.

He remembered how he was close to tears. He knew that he would have cried that night, if Sirius hadn't interrupted him.

Of Sirius had realized what was going on. Padfoot knew him far too well for his own good. He had smelled him before he could hear him.

"Don't try to scare me, Pads, it won't work." He had said, his voice sounded broken, because his throat was so dry.

And Sirius had been mad, angry, that he didn't seem to believe in their friendship. He had held him until the moon rose, and he had been with him not only that full moon, but also the months afterwards, no matter how many times Remus had told him to figure out his life and forget about him. He would never forget how good that reassurance had felt, and he was certain that Harry would need the same thing. And he would do anything to help him out, like Sirius had helped him all these years back.

He looked at Harry who was still watching his teacup.

"Why did you leave last night?" he asked quietly. His voice was full of love, and even though Harry wanted to be mad at him, he just couldn't.

"I can't live in a house with people, who are scared of me. I can't be around them, if I always wonder how much fear shows in their eyes, or whether they are going to throw me out, because I get angry… if they think they have to be careful around me all the time. That is like living with a big nothingness around you, just sitting at a desk, not having anything to do – no book to read, no paper to write something to do, nothing. And it's just you and the walls surrounding you, and your hunting thoughts, day for day, and you have no idea whether time passes or not, whether it's winter or summer. You don't know if there is another war starting out there, because you need to hide, and you are going mad, just sitting there, and staring at the same wall, the same desk, and the same chair for hours, days, weeks, and months. And all you can do is thinking about whether they are right about their fear, if you really don't deserve a smile or a laugh or a wink or anything."

Harry had to pause in his monologue to take a deep breath. Remus took the chance, even though he was still shocked of the desperate little words filling the room like a beautiful, sad and desperate cloud.

"Nobody fears you, Harry. We fear to lose you, yes and we certainly worry about you. We are not scared of you but for you. And saying that I am not just talking for me, but for Sirius, Ron and Hermione as well. "

At that point Harry started laughing, but there was no joy behind it. It sounded cold, but even more than that, it sounded like Harry was about to break down.

"You didn't see them last night, Remus. I know the truth. I actually believed in you after all these days. I trusted you. But I know what I saw. I saw the expressions when I came in, and I know they were talking about me before I entered the room. Don't lie to me, Remus. Tell me the truth. I'm not angry at any of you, you have every right to be afraid. A 17 year old teenage boy, who has killed a couple of people, just sitting around without going out or doing anything. Of course that is scary. I understand. Maybe I'm planning my next murder, maybe one of you could be my next victim and-"

Remus stopped him by pulling Harry close to him.

"Harry!"

Harry stopped talking and finally the tears he had been waiting for since the last night were coming, falling in Remus' lap. He was confused, confused by his feelings and his friends and Remus'.

When he had calmed down a bit Remus started talking again.

"First of all, Harry, you are right, they were talking about you. But did you spend a thought about the fact that your birthday is coming up? I know that your relatives never spend a thought about that day, but we do. Second, nobody thinks of you as a murderer except from yourself. We know you. You're not somebody who is brutal or enjoys killing. We know that. You did it to save not only your own life, but also that of countless others. You ended a war that nobody else could end. I know you don't like to be the hero, but that is what you are. You are not a murderer. On top of that… even though I told you not to use Expelliarmus you still did. Expelliarmus is not a killing curse, Harry."

While he spoke he felt Harry relax into his arms. A while they just sat there quietly.

Harry seemed exhausted, but Remus wasn't surprised. He was sure that Harry hadn't slept the night before. After a while Harry fell asleep in his arms.

Remus smiled until he felt how Harry's head slid down and landed right above his throbbing cock.

Remus' froze and tried to move Harry's head away, but he was too heavy and he didn't want to wake the boy. He tried to pull away and since that didn't really work either, he just grabbed a book and tried to concentrate on Shakespeare, a muggle author he quite enjoyed instead of his groin.


	8. Chapter 8

Now guys - lets see what happens now shall we?  
Please Review (; am not sure, this maybe slightly OOC... a bit :O  
love you guys so much xoxo

Remus was sitting there and pressed his lips together to prevent himself from moaning. What was he doing? For god's sake this was Harry, not some random guy. He couldn't feel attracted to him, right?

Of course he loved Harry. There was no doubt that he deeply cared about him, not because of what he did, or because of who he was. He cared, because he was Harry.

But feeling attracted to him was just ridiculous. If Harry's had wasn't rubbing his cock in this very second he would have been laughing at the thought of it. Not only was Harry twenty years younger than himself, had just lost his girlfriend a few weeks ago… no. He also was the son of his dead best friend and the godson of his very alive other best friend, who would kill him if he ever touched the boy.

Once again, he wished he would not be a werewolf. Of course the wolf had sensed how Harry had looked at him over the past days, weeks. But that didn't mean anything, right?

When Harry rolled over in his sleep, he couldn't stop the low groan slipping from his lips. The way the back of Harry's head moved teasingly over his groin was driving him mad. He held on to the book more tightly, as if he had read a single word since Harry had fallen asleep. He needed to stop this somehow. Helplessly he looked around, hoping to find a solution in the empty living room.

And suddenly he wished they wouldn't be home alone. What if he lost control over Moony? He wouldn't be able to live with himself. And then there was Sirius, something he didn't even want to think of.

The very second he decided that he just had to wake Harry up, telling him he needed to use the washroom to run off and get some fucking friction on is throbbing erection the boy turned around and blinked.

His green eyes were dark; he wasn't sure if it was just because of Harry still being sleepy or whether Harry as well was aroused. But that was just silly, right?

Harry sat up straight and stared at Remus. Even though he was still young and didn't really have any experience at all concerning sex, he knew what was going on. Even though he never had much time for anything, which was why Ginny and he had wanted to wait… But he wasn't going to think about that now. No way.

He was sure that he did… love Remus. He couldn't exactly say how it had happened or why he knew… he just did. It shocked him for a moment, and then he realized that he was scared of Remus.

He stared at Remus in confusion. What the hell was going on? How could he love somebody he was scared of? How could he be scared of somebody, who he loved? That was insane.

And still… he knew what he felt. Feelings couldn't be wrong… or bad. They were just feelings, and thinking wasn't going to change them. His ratio wasn't going to do any good about it.

He didn't know what he was doing, but he wanted to get some space between them and slid back to the other side of the settee they were sitting on. Sitting there he pulled his legs up, hugged them with his arms and stared at Remus.

Remus didn't move. He would have loved to just concentrate on Moony to figure out what Harry was truly feeling, but he always felt like he had betrayed somebody when he did that, and he didn't want that. However, it was pretty clear that Harry was scared on the one hand, but there was something else there as well. If it wouldn't have been Harry, he would have been sure that it was love, but that couldn't be.

Now he had to calm the boy down. He had scared him, and that was the last thing he had wanted to do. He silently cursed himself and didn't top looking at Harry.

"Harry…" Harry jumped at the sound. He could see the sad expression of Remus' eyes and deep within he knew that the man didn't deserve his fear. He tried to smile, but it looked more like a grimace.

"Did I ever hurt you?" Remus tried to calm the boy, showing him that he was still there, even though the moon would be rising in a few hours.

He knew that Harry shouldn't trust him. Not right now. But on the other hand… if Harry didn't want…this… if he was scared of it… why didn't he run off? They both knew he could.

At his words he saw that the fear got less, even though it didn't disappear fully. Harry shook his head and was about to say something, but Remus held up his hand.

"It is okay, Harry. You have every right to be scared. I…" he was going to say that he was sorry, but realized that he wasn't. They did need to talk about it. They couldn't just ignore it, because with every minute that passed, he knew that he wasn't the only one, who wanted more than just friendship.

Harry stood up and started pacing.

"Remus listen and please don't interrupt me, it's embarrassing enough the way it is." He took a deep breath.

"I think I'm in love with you. I don't know exactly how it happened. I am really sorry to make this awkward for you, because you don't deserve this… you were always just kind… you were the one who helped me up from the ground, when I couldn't get up myself. I know that I am just a boy, and that you would never look for something like me to settle with, because I'm not experienced… and I am just a broken mess." Remus tried to interrupt but Harry held his right hand up, to continue. Tears were nearly choking him, but he didn't really care.

"I don't want you for one night, it would just destroy me, and I'm too selfish to let that happen. I know your feelings are strong now, since the full moon is just a few hours away, but I am sure you will be okay." He turned around and looked at the wall.

"Remus, I am not going to have sex with you, because I… I'm terrified. I know I shouldn't be anymore, I'm an adult and all that, but I am. I'm a virgin and…" he stopped when Remus put his arms around him.

"Shush, Harry, stop it now." He held him tightly, but concentrated on Harry while talking in case the boy wanted to get away.

"Firstly I don't see you as a boy. I am not a pedophile and I would never just use you and throw you away afterwards. Never. Do you understand me?" He waited for an answer, because it was quite important to him. Harry should feel safe with him. Harry nodded sharply. Remus wasn't sure whether he had convinced the boy. He turned Harry around, but the boy had locked his eyes to the ground to avoid looking at the werewolf.

Remus put a finger underneath Harry's chin and softly moved his face up. Harry closed his eyes. The face was colored in a dark blush and the boy started shivering again.

"Hey… look at me." Harry blinked at that. His eyes were full of tears; Remus could see the hurt, the embarrassment in them.

"You don't need to be ashamed for a lack of experience. I love you and I would never do anything you don't want me to do. I want to stay with you. And if you never want to have sex, then we won't. I won't push you." He felt Moony in his chest, but pushed him down. He would not give in to that beast, not today.

Harry was even more ashamed now. He had known that Remus would know… but he never really thought much of it. He wanted to run away, but Remus held on to him. The man was much stronger than Harry had thought.

"Harry! I don't want you to be scared of me." His voice was now desperate.

"I will not hurt you."

His voice sounded so sincere, so honest. Harry could hear that Remus' voice was shaking. He wasn't the only person, who had just said something that he had been hiding, deep down in his heart. He slowly turned around and tried to breath regularly.

This had gone perfectly fine! Remus' had just said that he wanted to be with him. Suddenly it hit him. Remus John Lupin, that perfect man he dreamed of every night, had just told him that he wanted to be with him, no matter what. He stared at Remus.

"W-What? Did you just mean that?" He realized that he had fixed his look on Remus' lips why talking and was about to look away when Remus' bowed down until his face was just a few millimeters from his own. Carefully, in case Harry wanted to push him away, and very slowly to get him the time he might need, he brushed the younger man's lips with his own, holding him tightly, in a way that spoke of reassurance, of safety and of love that went deeper than friendship.

Harry had never felt anything alike. It wasn't pure want or lust as he had imagined it to be. Remus kiss was soft and slow, and he knew that this kiss was burnt into his mind until the day he would close his eyes forever. He felt adoration, and trust, and loyalty. When Remus pulled back he smiled gentle, a smile that reached his eyes. He looked beautiful like that. He took Harry's hand and squeezed it.

It felt like a promise. A promise for a lifetime.


	9. Chapter 9

Hi guys! Sorry it took me long to write this... and its a bit... gah... haven't been feeling good... so its a bit stupid really. o sorry. i hope ill be better soonish... i have to work more though so i dont know how quickly ill be able to post.  
This might be OOC... and yeah... well... you just read it and please tell me what you think? So I can get better? Please guys I need reviews its my first fanfic and i dont have a beta ;P  
I LOVE YOU! xoxo

The days passed and every time Remus and Harry tried to talk to the others about what had happened between them, someone somehow changed the topic. Sometimes it was Quidditch, sometimes they just asked what they wanted to make for supper, or they just talked about how their days went.

It was hard for Harry and Remus to find some time to their own since Remus had to work all day and since they would be leaving for Hogwarts in just a couple of days Sirius wanted to spend time together as soon as Remus came home.

Harry didn't understand why Sirius wanted to spend time with Remus so desperately, since he would still be there with him after the next school year started, but he didn't ask him. Sirius seemed so lonely lately.

On top of that Remus never exactly answered his question when he asked why Sirius would want to spend that much time with Remus.

Harry wondered whether he should be jealous, but decided that Remus really didn't deserve his doubt. Whenever he looked into those amber eyes he just couldn't believe that Remus would ever cheat on him – even though they still didn't do anything more than kissing. Remus didn't say anything about it and still Harry worried how long Remus would wait for him to get ready until he – or Moony – exploded or something.

Also he worried about the happening during the school year. He wouldn't be able to see Remus much, except from the weekends at Hogsmeade. He also knew that he would have to study a lot.

After another few days Harry decided that he would have to talk to someone or he would explode.

He had gotten up with Remus as usual. Since they didn't have much time they enjoyed the silent mornings together. Harry, who still didn't sleep well, would get up to make breakfast and bring it up to Remus' room. They would sit in bed together, have breakfast and Harry would snuggle to Remus' chest, enjoying the warmth and strength of the older man.

Remus had asked him to join him in the shower, but Harry had refused. He still felt like a little boy and was scared that Remus would realize the same thing once… well, once he would see Harry's skinny body. Remus seemed to have felt the fear, because he didn't ask him again.

After Remus left for the office, Harry got dressed and disapparated to Diagon Alley to visit George in the shop he still had.

Since George hadn't finished school he didn't have a choice but keep the little shop open, even though it seemed strange without his twin around. Harry didn't know how George coped. He himself could hardly go to the Burrow without starting to cry. Now usually the Weasleys came over to see him, so he would have to think less of Ginny, which he did anyway. How could he see Molly, who looked so much alike her youngest child?

Harry and George had owled regularly after the war was over, both didn't get over their loss easily and felt quite lonely.

George was having breakfast when Harry arrived.

"Harry! I haven't seen you in ages! Come on in!" George was glad to see him, and hugged him like a little brother. Harry always seemed to be exactly that since he first saw him on platform 9 ¾.

Harry smiled. George seemed to cope a bit better by now, and he was glad about it. He liked George and whenever he didn't feel about talking to his friends about something, George had listened to him.

"Hey! How are you doing lately?" He smiled, and saw that expression on George's face that reminded him of a family he never had. It was about honesty and trust… and something Harry couldn't quite name.

"I'm better. What about you? You still look tired… and you look like you would hide something inside." Harry never understood how George knew him so well. They never had spent that much time together, except from playing Quidditch and the holidays he had spent at the Burrow. And even then he was mostly with Ron and Hermione, or Ginny whenever she had been around…

He sat down and gratefully took the mug of tea that George offered him.

"I do actually…" He stopped. He hadn't even told anybody that he was gay. Remus was twenty years older than him. What would George say?

He didn't want to think like this. He wanted to believe that George wouldn't care, because deep down he knew it was true. And still, he couldn't swallow down his sudden fear… fear of being rejected. Too many times he had been alone.

He looked at the table.

"What is it?" George pulled him out of his thoughts. When George realized that Harry wouldn't look at him, he grinned broadly.

"Are you in love?" he crooked an eyebrow and when Harry blushed chuckled lightly.

"Who is it then?"

Harry knew that George would definitely not leave him alone, before he knew. He shut his eyes tightly, took a deep breath, and said, without opening his eyes

" 'reacouple."

George looked at him and smiled warmly up at him. The only reason he didn't make fun of Harry was that he saw how nervous he looked. He laughed joking, but he would never hurt somebody, especially not Harry.

"Harry, look at me." When he opened his eyes, he saw George's familiar, warm smile. And he realized that his mind had been right. George didn't care. He was happy for them.

"As long as you're happy, I don't care who you are with, or what you feel. Trust me. "

Harry smiled.

"I know George, and I'm sorry. Really. It's just so hard… to believe. I don't understand why everybody loves me, just like that. I don't deserve any of it. I'm sure you could have anybody, being here, talking to you. Why me? It doesn't make any sense. And then I feel bad even thinking that." He shook his head desperately and wanted to run.

George was quicker though and held on to him.

Harry wanted to hide, he wanted cry, and he wanted to stop the pain growing in his chest. He bit down on his lower lip until he tasted the familiar metallic flavor of his own blood. It made him feel better. And that feeling made him feel sick.

What was wrong with him? He needed to stop his own suffering, but he just couldn't. This was crazy. How should he ever make Remus happy, when he couldn't even be happy with himself?

And that was honestly what he wanted most right now. He wanted Remus to be happy. He didn't want him to regret his decision to be with Harry.

Again he thought of that day when their lips had first met. He smiled every time he thought of that morning – and every morning since. He felt like he lived for those short hours… and he didn't know how to cope when he lost them again.

Maybe he should just get over his fear and tell Remus he was ready to have sex with him. But every time he thought of that… he shook with fear. And still – he trusted Remus. This was just so incredibly stupid. He had always told Voldemort that he couldn't love.

What if he couldn't get it right himself?

If he would keep it up, Remus would give up on him… he felt sick when he thought of Remus telling him… 'Sorry, Harry, I really love you… but I don't think this is a relationship… I thought you would get over it, if I gave you some time…' He stopped thinking about it with all force he had, he didn't want George to guess his thoughts.

"Harry… People love… that doesn't have anything to do with deserving it. Plus you need to stop being so harsh on you. You are a wonderful person, believe me. And you don't even know how much I love you… how much I care about you…"

Harry wanted to believe him. He honestly did. But somehow he still couldn't.

And when George hugged him again before he left to go back home, he wished he would never let go. He wished he could just stay there, wrapped tightly in those warm, strong arms, feeling protected… feeling that he was worth something.

It gave him the feeling that it was alright.


	10. Chapter 10

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't been posting, but I was really busy working, and also don't feel very well these days... Sorry ):  
Thank you all for your great reviews... They make my days, when I don't feel good and always put a smile on my face! Thanks so much xoxo  
Keep reviewing... tell me if something is surreal or if you don't like it... (; I LOVE YOU! xoxo

As always when Harry wanted the time to stop, or at least slow down, it went by even quicker than before.

It was the day before they all left for Hogwarts. The last day he would be able to spend with Sirius… and what bothered him more for the first time since he had ever learned that he had a godfather… Remus.

Remus hadn't gone to work that morning, but Harry got up early anyway. They wanted to spend another morning together. He really would miss these early mornings that was for sure. They still hadn't been able to tell anybody about what was going on between them, and when Harry lay there this morning, he nervously waited for Remus to break up with him.

Remus realized how tense Harry was and started moving his hands over his shoulders in slow circles, moving down his back and waited for the younger man to relax under his warm touch. It didn't happen though and Remus turned Harry towards him, so that he could look in those green eyes.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked softly.

"What's wrong?" Harry repeated.

"I love you. That's wrong. I love you and tomorrow I'll be leaving and there are going to be many miles between us… we won't be able to see each other… I'm sitting here, waiting for you to break up. That's okay, I knew it would happen. I can see the lust in your eyes. A perfect man like you doesn't have to stay in a relationship with some immature jerk!" Harry turned away to hide his tears. Remus let him hide them, but held on to Harry anyways.

"Harry, I love you, too!" The words sounded almost desperate.

"I don't care who else I could have. I love you and I will stay with you until you tell me to leave, because you're tired of an old wolf to keep you company. Love isn't something you deserve. It just is. And by the way… you should believe in yourself. You are totally amazing. Just because people made you think differently…" He paused. "They are jerks, Harry. They didn't have the right to break you down the way they did. I'm not going to break up and I'm not going to let the wolf control my being or who I'm with. It's bad enough as it is."

The last words came out slightly bitter. Harry looked up; afraid that he had hurt Remus, but all that he could see in those hazel eyes as worry and something else, something strong… it took him a moment to realize that it was love.

Harry leaned forward and when their lips met this time it was different than before. Harry wasn't careful, or scared, it was a kiss full of passion. Remus felt that hunger, while Harry's mind was still scared of anything more than kissing; his body was more than ready for it. He tried to control Moony while letting Harry push him down in the pile of pillows and blankets. Harry's hands were holding on to his shoulders, brushing lightly over his chest, why his tongue slipped into Harry's mouth.

After a few more seconds they both had to catch their breath.

Harry blushed and crawled back up to the wall of the small room. There he stopped, the hand on the doorknob and stared at Remus. Remus looked up at him confused and surprised.

"I-I'm sorry…" Harry murmured and looked down to watch his naked feet on the cold floor.

Remus just shook his head.

"There is no reason for you to be." He slowly rose, until he stood right in front of Harry, took the much smaller hands in his own, and then caught the soft lips of the younger man in another long, possessive kiss.

"I love you." He whispered breathlessly.

"I love you for what you are, for how you are. I love you and I wouldn't have you any other why."

Later on that day they all went upstairs to finish packing. A few weeks ago, Harry would have been more than happy to escape the loneliness of this house, the memories of sitting in this room, staring at the clouds moving past his window stuck in his head.

Times had changed though, and while removing last ropes from his wardrobe, he wasn't thinking of the loneliness he had felt. He thought of soft touches, understanding smiles and silent conversations.

Remembering another early morning he had spent with Remus, he overheard the knock on his door. When Sirius entered and sat down on his now empty bed Harry smiled at him a bit surprised while locking his huge luggage.

"Have you got everything that you need?" Sirius asked. They both felt strange. They weren't really used to this kind of situation. Fighting against Death Eaters side by side, no problem, or even realizing that they had lost a true friend during the battle.

Just the easiest things, the most normal things, reminded them of what Voldemort had destroyed: Harry's childhood. He hadn't had someone who took care whether he had got everything for school

Or someone who he would miss him when he left for another year of Hogwarts.

"I guess so," Harry replied quietly. It seemed that he should tell his godfather that he had a… well a _boyfriend…_ but it seemed pretty awkward, considering that his boyfriend was the best friend of said godfather. He started pacing up and down his room without really noticing.

Harry? Is there something you wanted to tell me?" Sirius asked. Of course, he would notice. Harry should have known.

For a split second he saw Dumbledore before his inner eye asking him the same question. Remus had said himself that they both should never lie concerning their… relationship. It wouldn't feel right not to tell Sirius what was going on.

"I have a boyfriend." He choked out after a few minutes silence.

When he finally looked down into Sirius eyes, they shone happily.

"I'm so happy for you, Harry. Stop worrying that people are going to tell you that it's wrong. We all care deeply about you and we are happy that you've found the right person. We are your friends! We don't care who it is and both Remus and me will accept you the way you are." He smiled his typical smile at that.

Harry had already wondered when Sirius would mention his best friend. He had to tell the whole story, or he would feel insincere.

He was about to tell the whole story when the door was being opened and Remus entered. Harry was trying to react quickly, but his godfather was even faster.

"He's got a boyfriend." Remus stared at Harry for a moment and then – Harry didn't trust his eyes and ears for a moment – chuckled lightly.

Both Harry and Sirius stared at him in confusion, and then Remus crossed the room, took Harry's hands in his own and kissed him possessively.

Harry worried about what would happen for a moment, but then he realized that he just didn't care right then. He melted away and held on to Remus as if he was the only thing that kept him from falling down a fifty meters high cliff.

Sirius cleared his throat.

"Remus! What-"He looked in between them and then the bomb exploded.

"REMUS LET GO OF MY GODSON! FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU ARE, I MEAN YOU CAN'T- HE IS JUST EIGHTEEN!" He jumped forwards to pull Remus away from him, but Harry quickly had taken Remus hand.

"Sirius, you said yourself-"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID! THIS IS DIFFERENT! YOU CAN'T FUCK MY GODSON SENSELESS LIKE HE'S A FUCKING DOLL OR SOMETHING HE'S TO YOUNG AND HE NEEDS SOMEONE WHO LOVES-"

"Are you about to say I don't love him? That I would use Harry?" For the first time that Harry could remember Remus sounded dangerous. His voice was a low growl, and for the first time that man reminded him of the wolf that slept within him.

"I understand that this may be a bit of a shock for you, but never ever, ever tell me I would use somebody, or hurt, or rape. I would never let Moony do this to somebody I care so deeply about. And if anybody knows this, Padfoot, then you. Calm down, relax and think about what you are going to say." He turned around and without letting go of Harry's hand he left his room.

Harry was in a shock. He wasn't exactly afraid of Remus, but it was a bit scary.

"Harry? Are you alright?" When Remus looked into those wide, green eyes he softly brushed Harry's forehead with his lips.

"Hey. I have myself in control. I can stop myself anytime, Harry. Did I ever hurt you?"

He looked down at him worriedly and Harry shook his head.

"S-sorry Remus, I was just-"he shook his head again, this time more to sort his thoughts.

"I need to fly. I'm sorry." He turned around and summoned his firebolt.

Before Remus could say another word he had reached the backdoor, opened it, swung one leg over the broomstick and disappeared in the blue afternoon sky.


	11. Chapter 11

Hey guys! I'm sooooo sorry – but like I said I'm working a lot and all that… thank you for your great reviews… I just want to name Lupinesence (?) … your comments are the best and make me want to write more and more :** xoxo Thank you for being with me!

I love you all! Tell me what you think (:

Harry spent the whole afternoon outside, even though the others came looking for him various times. The only one who seemed to understand that he just needed time to his own, was Remus and he left him be. Remus also was the one who it was least fair to.

Harry didn't even want to imagine how it would feel if one of his best friends told him that he was practically raping their godson.

It was one of the few times he was really mad at Sirius. He loved that man dearly, but now he clearly had lost his mind. As if _Remus_ would ever do anything to anyone. If it would have been anybody else… fine. But… Remus?

It was getting late now, and again someone came out to their backyard. Even though Harry couldn't really see much because of the sinking sun, he knew immediately that it was Remus. He lowered his new firebolt (Sirius had bought him another one after he lost his first one while fleeing from the Death eaters in Hagrid's motorbike) and landed softly on the grass next to Remus.

"Um… Hullo." He said silently, concentrating on getting off his broom, mostly to have an excuse why he wouldn't look at the older man. Truth was that he felt bad that he hadn't talked to him all afternoon. After all it was their last day together in a while, and he knew he would regret it soon enough.

"Harry." Remus brushed Harry's cheek with his left forefinger until they looked each other in the eyes.

"Let's get that broom to the shed and get some dinner ready, alright?" Remus wrapped one arm around him, and together they walked towards the shed.

Harry didn't concentrate on cooking that night. He just randomly threw some ingredients together, nothing extraordinary. He was again thinking about Sirius' reaction and what had happened afterwards when Remus' voice ripped him from his thoughts.

"You're burning the potatoes, sweetheart."

In that moment a big, black dog entered the room, shook his head and started changing into his godfather. This time Harry's heart didn't skip a beat like it usually did when he saw Padfoot. He didn't even look at him, but concentrated on rescuing the potatoes from turning black.

"Harry... I need to talk to you." Sirius' voice sounded like he hadn't used it all day. Harry didn't really care.

"I'm cooking." He answered shortly. He didn't have to be nice, he wouldn't see Sirius for a few months anyhow, and he certainly wasn't going to forgive him that easily.

Remus took his hand.

"Harry, give him a chance." He stopped what he was doing to turn around. Did Remus just actually say that? But there wasn't any doubt about it when he looked into those friendly hazel eyes. Remus, he sighed in his thought, always so… forgiving.

He sighed out loud, shrugged and followed Sirius out of the kitchen with one last look at Remus.

Before Sirius could even say a word Harry looked madly at him and started talking, silently, since he didn't want to upset Remus anymore, but there was no doubt that he was mad.

"How could you hurt him like that? Seriously, Sirius. Do you really think Remus would ever, ever hurt me? Hurt anyone? You are his best friend, and I accept that, but you should know, more than any of us, you should know that Remus is the kindest person you can possibly meet. You should know that he doubts himself more than anybody else, and that if somebody is careful then it would be him. You should-"

But Sirius held up one hand.

"I was wrong." The words sounded like he actually regretted it. Harry crooked an eyebrow.

"Maybe you should think before you start acting then." He said, still coldly, but his voice had already gotten a bit softer.

"I know!" Sirius whined.

"But what can I do now? I know if somebody deserves this then it's you too. Remus who never thought enough of himself that he could accept the love or friendship anybody gave him… and then you, who had to carry burdens on his shoulders most adults couldn't even imagine carrying… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said any of it… but just imagine if Ron or Hermione touched the child of the other, after they died… imagine how would you react if you were their godfather? Can you tell me?"

Sirius looked so desperately saying this that Harry felt the urge to hug him.

He tried to calm down to imagine Sirius' position. He was still mad that he had hurt his best friend, but if he was honest to himself, he needed to say that he understood.

"It is Remus you need to apologize to, not me. It is him you were hurting." He turned around and went back to the kitchen.

In the end it was a loud evening. George had come over, and even though he wasn't making as many jokes as before the battle of Hogwarts, it was still fun to be with him. They played chess – three against three – Remus, Harry and George against Hermione, Ron and Sirius – Sirius and Hermione were both terrible, the rest of them were okay and Ron was great – and after a few shots of firewhiskey they managed to beat Ron – somehow both George and Remus seemed to stay pretty much unaffected by their drinks, while Harry already felt slightly tipsy. He felt way better than both Sirius and Ron looked though –Hermione hadn't touched the drinks.

It was far after midnight when they all went upstairs to get some hours of sleep before Harry, Ron and Hermione would be leaving for King's Cross Station.

Harry changed into his pyjamas and then silently went downstairs to join Remus in his room. Remus looked up and smiled slightly.

"Hey love." He said. He was sitting in the wide bed, reading a book. Harry lifted the blanket and sat next to Remus, leaning in on him.

After listening to the even breathing of the older man for a few minutes he calmed and relaxed into the warmth next to him.

Slowly he let his hands slip lower on Remus chest, lower than they had ever been. In slow circles he massaged Remus skin, now he was touching his stomach, and both their even breathing changed.

Suddenly Remus sat up straight, threw his book to the side and caught Harry's hands.

"Stop." He groaned, but Harry heard that he was being serious. He stopped moving immediately, even held his breath in fear.

"Not tonight, Harry. I love you, and you know I want you, but not tonight." Harry looked up at him in confusion. For a moment one could see the pain in his eyes, the hurt of being rejected.

"W-why not tonight?" He asked silently and tried not to look into those hazel eyes. It seemed to hurt too much.

"Harry, this hasn't got anything to do with rejection. I love you over anything. But I'm not going to take advantage of you."

"WHAT?" Now he was looking into those deep, warm and so honest eyes.

"You're drunk Harry. And I'm drunk, too. You don't know what you're saying."

Harry shook his head.

"Remus, that's bullshit. We don't have time! In case you forgot – I'm leaving in a couple of hours. What is going to happen then? Do you think I'm going to go to Hogwarts and find someone else anyway? 'Harry is young. He isn't serious about this; he just wanted a good shag.'? Because if that's your problem, then you're wrong. I love you." And one could see the love shine in his eyes.

"Harry – no! Listen, I don't want to hurt you. I'm not going to… to do this, because we don't have time. I told you before – we have all the time we need. Let's sleep. You'll have to get up early tomorrow."

And he pulled Harry in an embrace, leaned against him, closed his eyes and started kissing him in such a loving, calming way, that Harry could do nothing but trust him and fell in a deep sleep in Remus' arms.


	12. Chapter 12

Guys :S what can I say? I'm a horrible writer – and you guys are awesome for sticking with em anyway. :***

Harry felt like he had just closed his eyes a few seconds ago, when Remus woke him with a soft kiss. He left his eyes close to enjoy the loving lips brush his lips, body wrapped tightly around him, just one moment longer.

When he couldn't pretend to be asleep any longer, he groaned softly and then opened his eyes. The light made his eyes tear, and the room spun for a moment. His head felt like it was going to explode any second. He groaned again, due to pain this time.

Remus chuckled lightly and gave him a cup with some light green liquid in it. He looked at Remus, question shining in his eyes.

"That doesn't exactly look… healthy." He pronounced dryly.

"Hangover potion. Drink it, you'll feel better. I feel this is one of the few occasions where chocolate won't help." He chuckled again, swung his legs out of bed and left the room. He seemed to already have taken a shower, and Harry wondered when Remus had gotten up and why in hell he had gotten up that early. He didn't seem to have a hangover.

Harry quickly swallowed the liquid. It burned while running down his throat, but not in a numbing, welcome way like the firewhiskey had the previous evening. He closed his eyes for a moment, but knew he didn't have time to go back to sleep. Even though Remus was always on time, he was sure that he hadn't woken him up earlier than necessary. Not this time.

He got out of bed, yawned, and slowly went to the bathroom, to try to wake up under the shower. He was nearly scared of himself when he took a short look into the mirror.

His face was even thinner and paler than usual; the scar seemed dark and angry against the white skin. He also realized that he must have bitten his lips – out of worry? – Since they were red and reminded him of raw meat. He shuddered and got into the shower.

He quickly got into the shabby old muggle clothes; he hated shopping and didn't bother to buy new ones, even though he hadn't contacted the Dursleys.

Nothing had changed, and then again, everything had changed, right? He pushed the thought away. He didn't have the time to bother with it right now. Maybe in the train… Ron and Hermione would want to enjoy the silent hours together, as well as Neville and Luna. He would be lonely again, and what was even worse… Ginny wouldn't be there. He knew that, but he still hoped to see her. It was Hogwarts. She had to be there. She always had been.

In that moment he realized that the pain had changed. He still missed Ginny. He still cared deeply. But still, it just wasn't the same since… since when?

He let himself slip in the past weeks while closing his luggage. Since Remus had kissed him. Or he had kissed Remus – whatever, he didn't even know, nor did he care.

"Locomotor luggage!" He whispered, while slowly walking down the stairs, putting it down in the entrance hall and silently walking into the kitchen.

He was slowly nervous about how Sirius' mood would be this morning, but he had worried without reason. His godfather smiled when he entered, and put his plate full of eggs and toast on the kitchen table.

"Good morning, my dear!" He said, grinning. Harry just crooked an eyebrow.

It was early in the morning and they were leaving for Hogwarts. What in Merlin's name was going on? It was like Hermione not doing her homework.

"Morning." He mumbled his answer and heavily sat down. Maybe it was weird; he had every reason to look forward to Hogwarts. He would see Hagrid and Professor McGonagall; he would see all his friends – well mostly all of them – but still. The years before he didn't really have a home, he would miss. He did have some sort of family since he had met Sirius, but he never had something like a partner… nearly-lover.

He would miss Remus more than he admitted to himself or anyone else.

Ron and Hermione were leaving to get their last things packed and he was glad. He wanted to have a shot moment with Sirius, just with Sirius, before they left. When it was just the two of them… sometimes it still felt like before. He felt like a kid, and Sirius was just taking care of him. He didn't have to be a hero he never wanted to be.

Like he had said so many years ago – it seems like a lifetime to him – he could be 'Just Harry'. Sirius gave him the feeling that it was okay.

They didn't really talk about anything particular – Sirius told him not to forget to play pranks on his teachers, to practice hard to beat the Slytherin's once more and not to even let them think about winning the house cup. He asked him write and say hi to anyone he knew.

It still meant the world to Harry, and he nearly forgot to eat.

Finally the apparated all to King's Cross Station. For once they were on time; maybe it was because they were fewer people going on the train, or just because Fred and George didn't blow up the entire luggage on the front steps. It still hurt to think of Fred and Harry refused to think of Ginny, Ginny who had once forgotten her diary at the Burrow… so many years ago.

When Harry and Remus ran towards the brick wall to get to the right platform, he felt like he finally realized what everybody had so many weeks back.

Maybe it was the last time he would go to Hogwarts himself, but it would be a normal year, normal to everyone but himself. To him, it was different.

Maybe there finally was a year where the biggest worry would be which pranks to play on his teachers, how to trick Draco Malfoy, or how to finish his homework.

When they reached the platform, he saw many familiar faces, and everybody seemed glad to see him. There were Neville and Luna, together with Neville's grandma and Luna's dad. Next to them stood Molly and Arthur with George who had come to see Ron and Hermione, together with Mr. and Mrs. Granger, Arthur deep in some discussion about television. At the other end of the train Draco Malfoy was kissed away from his mother. He seemed to have hanged a bit after all, his shoulders didn't seem as upright as usually, and his face seemed to be less lit up by his arrogant smile he wore all those past years. He also saw some of Ginny's friends who he had spent quite some time two years ago, but he didn't spend another thought of it.

Also the different members of the DA, who still visited Hogwarts or had returned to repeat their last year, were there. After all, Harry thought, had the speaking hat been right. The connection between the different houses had made them strong enough to get through all this. Of course… they all had lost something, but still he didn't see anyone who regretted the final battle of Hogwarts. He hadn't seen one person who seemed to look at him, like you look at a murderer. They all just saw the hero, even though they knew that he had murdered people; one to be exact.

But that didn't really change the fact that he had killed. He still was the good guy to them, and beneath all, Harry knew that he was thankful for it.

It was a gift, as precious as his own memories, as his own love.

When they all said goodbye Harry tried to concentrate so hard not to cry that he didn't quite realize how Remus and Sirius hugged tightly. How Sirius whispered silent words and how Hermione and Ron both didn't bother to say goodbye to Remus, even though they both liked the kind, loving man and great, great friend, before they disappeared to their prefect meeting.

But after Harry had hugged George, Molly, Arthur and his godfather and promised to write him, Remus just smiled and took his hand.

"Ready for another year?" he asked, while they climbed onto the train and watched how Sirius turned into the big, black dog, to follow them down the platform.


	13. Chapter 13

Hi, guys! Thanks for your reviews... Maybe it makes a bit more sense now, and Harry was just as confused as you? Or were you talking about the prefect thing? I was just thinking, since most people would repeat the year, they would still be prefects, as in the years before and have to go patrolling in the train, that sorta thing (:  
Aaalso: Sirius and Remus are not a pair, Harry just thought they were, because he was feeling so lonely.. maybe i should have made this more clear.  
I LOVE YOU ALL :***

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Remus had found an empty compartment in the very end of the train and they sat down by the window.

Harry hadn't said a word since Remus had entered the train next to him. His thoughts were running through his head, but he still didn't understand why he hadn't left with Sirius. Voldemort was defeated, and most Death eaters who had survived the battle had gone into hiding. Hogwarts was safe. He sighed. It wasn't the Order for whom Remus was travelling. But what else could he be doing at Hogwarts?

Harry gave up. He wasn't going to get it on his own.

"Explain." He simply said. It was pretty obvious what he meant and Remus just smiled silently at him.

"I'm back to teaching at Hogwarts." He said smiling brightly, and it seemed like he had wanted to tell Harry since weeks.

"The lessons for DADA will be very different anyway, since you are all on very different levels, depending what you did… during the past years."

Harry knew that Remus didn't want to say 'war'. It sounded too brutal. It reminded them too much of Ginny and Fred, of Peter and Severus, of all the other victims. They had thought too much about it lately, and they were tired of it, both of them.

"Minerva was great. She realized that the Ministry still didn't do any good for me. I mean you got me that job, but people gave me looks every day, and I know they only didn't kick me out because of you."

Harry lowered his eyes to his knees. One moment he had been very happy, now he felt ashamed. He couldn't exactly explain it; he just hated how Remus was treated. If he could have taken it away from him, no matter to what price, he would have paid it.

Before he could mumble another 'I'm sorry', Remus shushed him.

"It's not your fault, Harry. I want you to know that you have done everything you could possibly do for me. I know that it was a risk for you, too. But it just wouldn't work out for me."

When Harry still wouldn't look at him, he put his finger underneath the boy's chin, and pulled his face up, until he could see his eyes.

"Look at me, my love." He said quietly.

"Please?"

When Harry looked up, one could still see the pain and the shame in those wonderful eyes.

Remus shivered. He didn't quite get why Harry loved him so much, but he accepted, that he just did.

Slowly he leaned in and brushed his lips against Harry's. It was more like a warm embrace, but he suddenly felt safe. He felt like he could do anything with Harry by his side. And during that moment he didn't care that they sat in the Hogwarts express going to a place, where Harry would be his student again. He didn't think about who could walk by and see them kissing. He just felt Harry, and he didn't care about anything else.

Eventually they had to break apart to catch their breath. Remus smiled sheepishly. He needed to go on with his talk.

"Well Minerva told me that whoever didn't want me to teach their children after all that I had done should be looking for a different school." He smiled.

Minerva was like a perfect headmistress. She reminded him a lot of Dumbledore at times, even though they were so totally different on the first sight.

Harry grinned.

"That's awesome! I will like see you every day in class." He looked out of the window for a brief moment and then added

"Professor."

Remus smiled. He was glad that harry accepted his decision and didn't seem to be worried about how everything would work out.

"I have talked to Minerva about our relationship. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you about it first, but it was important."

Harry nodded. He was way too curious what Professor McGonagall had said about it and didn't bother about her knowing that he was gay.

Then he remembered the night he had escaped. She hadn't been as strict… as much like a teacher as usually.

"Well, she told me that it is okay. It is up to us how we are dealing with it and that this year everything is different anyway. You're eighteen, and it will be hard for all teachers to deal with marking you, knowing you could get any job you liked. The situation won't be easy."

He smiled happily and took Harry's hand. Harry just enjoyed and watched the sun set in the already rougher landscape.

"So… how are we going to deal with it?" He asked silently and looked up at Remus, as in fear of what he would say.

"Well… the best thing is probably to keep it to a friendly teacher-student relationship in public." Remus slowly replied.

"It shouldn't be too hard, considering that everybody knows that we are good friends… through the Order and all that. You can, of course, tell any of your friends however you like."

Harry nodded. He would have to talk to Ron and Hermione. Urgently.

"So… I'll just call you Professor Lupin in public and Remus when we're in privacy? I mean… It would be kind of awkward calling you by your last name after snogging you senseless." He grinned wide at the thought.

Remus burst out laughing.

"Oh, yes, please. You may call me Remus outside class, no matter whether I'm your teacher or not. Even though I hardly doubt that I can teach you that much."

Harry just shook his head.

"Well, maybe I have learned defending myself… but the theory for my NEW'ts… You will have to teach me loads."

Remus chuckled.

"You should believe in yourself more, Harry. Oh, and I will take points from you every time you use Expelliarmus!"

He grinned. In that moment Hermione and Ron came in and sat down across from them.

"How is it going, guys?" Hermione asked a little bit flushed, and Harry wondered whether they had just snogged outside the compartment.

"I'm famous Harry, you wouldn't believe it!" Ron screamed, falling down on a seat next to Hermione, outing his wand in his robes. Hermione just rolled her eyes at that.

"And you should get changed, Harry, we're nearly there." The three of them burst out laughing, remembering the first time they had met each other.

"Who would have guessed," Harry murmured while going to the door of the compartment to pull it shut.

"We need to tell you guys something," he said, not looking at his best friends, but at Remus. His light eyes always found a way to calm him down, even though he couldn't even explain it to himself.

He was nervous, even though he couldn't exactly explain it. He knew that his friends wouldn't judge him, especially not for something as simple as his sexuality.

And still, he lowered his eyes, looking at everything but at his friends – or Remus for that matter.

"Hey…" The older man softly took his hand.

"Calm down, Harry." He whispered. He looked up.

Hermione seemed to be worried as hell. She looked at him like she was going to freak out any minute.

Harry was trying to coordinate his words. How do you tell your best friends that you are in love with the best friend of your dad, who is a werewolf?

"I'minlovewithhim." He said very quickly.

"Um… sorry. What did you say?" Hermione had crooked an eyebrow. Remus just chuckled lightly.

"I am in love with Remus." Harry whispered very slowly and loud enough for both of them to understand. He closed his eyes for a brief moment and then couldn't hold back and cuddled into Remus' old jacket. He took a deep breath, concentrating on this smell, this smell that he couldn't even put in words.

He felt a soft touch on his back, a touch that wasn't Remus. He looked up and saw Hermione's face directly in front of his.

"Harry, calm down." She shook her head and her hair went flying everywhere.

"We're happy for you. Really we are. I don't think I know a person who deserved being loved more than you too. You are good for each other." She smiled and Harry sank down in his seat, somewhat relieved.

After a brief silence he got up, reached into his luggage to get changed, before they reached Hogsmeade.


	14. Chapter 14

Guys. It's hell. No, like really. At my work place there are 5 people sick, and 8 left IN ONE WEEK. So there is like 3 people who can work, and two of them were gone for a while. So I like worked straight since Saturday. I'm like dead. I need to sleep, so this grammar may be terrible. But yeah. Here you go lovelinesses. KEEP REVIEWING PLEASE :D :* 333

They had arrived in the Great Hall quite late, since Harry and Remus had stayed in their compartment longer than anybody else to enjoy one of their last moments in private. Remus did feel quite awkward considering he came here to be Harry's teacher, but when Harry leaned in on him, he relaxed and concentrated on more important parts of his life; on being happy, on finally having somebody next to him who loved him despite all of his flaws.

It reminded him of Sirius. Hadn't he always said it? 'The right person will come, Moony, just wait. Why should such a beautiful man like you not find the perfect soul mate? Besides, you're not alone.' He smiled at the thought. Then he wondered whether Sirius knew how right he had been when he had added 'We may not like it then, because you are better than us. But we'll always respect your choice. We know you're better than us.' Remus had just shaken his head at this – and to be honest – he still did. 'We may not like it…' He grinned.

Remus went straight to the table on the very end of the room without looking back at Harry, who now sat down at the Gryffindor table. It hurt a bit in his breast, but then again he knew it was necessary.

Now he had to concentrate on the magical feast, which seemed as lovely as always, even though Albus wasn't there, and Severus wasn't either, even though Remus had to admit that he didn't miss him too much. After all that Severus had gone through; they still never got along very well.

Minerva smiled up at him when he walked towards his seat on her right.

"Remus, I am so glad to have you here." She said warmly and poured him a glass of dark, red wine.

"Did your travel go alright? I still don't understand why you don't just you floo powder or apparate to Hogsmeade." He smiled back at her, sat down and took a sip of his wine. How he had missed the excellent food at Hogwarts.

"It was excellent, thank you Minerva." He just replied calmly, all the time thinking of the last hours he had shared with Harry as his… boyfriend… rather than as his student.

He tried not to think of it and watched as Minerva rose. It had the same effect as always, it was as a powerful silencing charm had been thrown over the Great Hall.

"Good evening, and Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry – or welcome back. I am sure you are all very hungry. Let the feast begin."

She smiled a bit while sitting down and beginning to eat. Remus got himself some rosemary potatoes, curd and grilled tomatoes and slowly started to eat. He was deep in thoughts and watched the four house tables, looking for familiar faces. He could recognize some of the students currently doing year 5, a few more doing year 6 and loads of the ones who were as old as Harry. Most of them wanted to repeat the year, which, he though, was quite a good sign after all. He was certain that most of the students, who had stayed to fight in the final battle, wouldn't have to finish their education to find a great job. And still they stayed to learn.

They always said that this generation wasn't as hardworking as his own, but personally he couldn't imagine James or Sirius repeating a year at Hogwarts.

Sirius had made fun of Harry half the summer until he had told him to stop. Sirius hadn't seen the worry in Harry's eyes as his godfather kept mocking him, but he certainly had.

After everybody had finished their desert Minerva got up again. Everybody was kind of drowsy and still one could feel the tension as what she would say about the changes for this very unusual year.

"Good evening again. First of all I would like to thank all of you, who have come to repeat your last year. Of course, all of the rules made by the Carrow's or other wizards and witches who have ruled this school in the name of Lord Voldemort are invalid."

A shiver went through the hall, but however Remus felt glad that Minerva had used the name. He didn't want to fear a dead wizard anymore. They all had had enough fear for the rest of their lives.

"We were able to rebuild most parts of the castle as well as the school grounds; however we have forty more students than usually. Due to this… circumstance, we ask all of you, students and staff, to understand that each year has one late class a week, to be able to teach all years in all subjects as well and separately as before."

Remus was impressed; he hadn't even really spent a thought about the fact that they now had 8 years at Hogwarts instead of seven. Now he realized how full all the house tables were, the only desk who still had some free chairs was the Slytherin table, not many of the seventh years had come back to Hogwarts. Some had left Great Britain after the wall and now went to one of the other Wizarding schools; some had ended their education under the power of the Carrow's.

"Further I would like to welcome our new members of the staff. I'd like to welcome back Professor Lupin, who again will take over DADA!"

The euphemism especially from the Gryffindor table was unbelievable. Like the first time he had heard those words he felt a bit ashamed, when he stood up and smiled down to those serious faces.

"Also, I am very glad to say that Nymphadora Tonks will teach Transfiguration."

Remus smiled at Tonks, her hair in a light green, something quite unusual even for Tonks. She smiled as the Gryffindor's seemed to freak out. Many of them knew both Tonks and Lupin and had learned to love them.

"That would be all for tonight. Goodnight all, so you will be ready for classes early tomorrow morning."

Remus watched most students leaving, his eyes trying to follow Harry out of the great hall. Soon he realized that Harry, Ron and Hermione came to the long table and ran towards Hagrid.

He smiled silently as he watched how the three of them hugged him. Harry had told him how special the bound between the golden trio and the half giant was. He had told him all sort of stories about what he had done with and for Hagrid, and Remus himself remembered the friendship from when he had been teaching DADA at Hogwarts.

He had always liked Hagrid; he was one of the few people who could really understand how it felt to be an outcast, because of something one couldn't change.

Born as a half giant he had faced the same problems as Remus, and both them only had been able to go to Hogwarts, because Dumbledore grew to be the man they had known. A lot of people seemed to forget that after what Rita Skeeter had written, and a lot of them had stopped trusting him for the first time in years.

He knew that Hagrid had gone through the same thing over the past year, but he still smiled and laughed all the same when he talked to Harry.

In those moments Harry didn't remind him of James, but of Lily. He hadn't fallen in love with James hair, not again after all those years. He had fallen in love with Harry's tolerance and respect of everyone who respected him, his kindness and the way he tried to help everyone out, who deserved it. How he had stood behind Dumbledore and the Order, because he had to. He never had had a choice; nobody had really asked him whether he wanted to fight against the Dark Lord.

Harry had trusted them even though they lied at him, not telling him the things he needed to know.

Remus shook his head. He hadn't even noticed that except from Hagrid, Ron, Hermione and Harry everyone else had already left. He should be going to his quarters; maybe finish preparing his classes and go to bed.

Now that he thought of it he felt quite tired anyway. So he got up and started walking towards entrance hall. While he walked he decided to talk to Hagrid sometime soon, he felt like it would be right. They never had too much to do with each other, even though they both had been in Gryffindor when they were at school, and they had always got along with Hagrid quite well. Even James always said that he seemed okay, and James never got along with anyone really. Not that people didn't like him, they loved him of course.

It was just that James didn't seem to be able to talk positively about anyone else.

Remus entered the quarters that had been his once before and suddenly he felt like coming home. Smiling he let his jacket fall over the back of the old, wooden chair and stepped toward the window.

For a while he just stood there, watching the silent but rough landscape outside the castle; the black lake, the forbidden forest, the wimping willow, Hagrid's hut right in front of the dark shadows of the big trees. He opened the window and breathed deeply.

It smelled of friendship, of being loved, and reminded him of all people that had believed in him, when he couldn't do so himself. It reminded him of safety and happiness.


	15. Chapter 15

In the next morning Remus was awake early. The sun hadn't risen yet, even though it was still early September. It had to be before 5am. He tossed and turned for a couple of minutes, trying to go back to sleep, especially since he knew that it would be a tiring day. However, he was way too nervous to calm enough to even think of sleeping.

After a few more minutes he sighed and swung his legs out of his broad bed.

He decided to shower and have his breakfast early. This way he wouldn't have to face students and teachers, something he dreaded, even though he knew he would have to do so eventually.

He liked teaching, but on his first day he always found it hard to socialize. This was another reason why he hadn't accepted the teaching position right away – of course Minerva had asked him as soon as the battle was over.

A piece of toast in his hand he started walking towards the lake, a place he had always found magical since he first arrived at Hogwarts. He sat down at the bank underneath one of the trees ha had hung out with James, Sirius and Peter all the time. He still couldn't believe that two of them were dead; especially not that one was dead because of the other.

He glared over at the Whomping Willow. Of course he knew that the tree didn't have anything to do with his… 'furry little problem' as James would say, but he still didn't like it.

It was a silent morning and the lake was as smooth as a mirror. He looked at his own scars and tried to hide them with his hands, even though he knew that he couldn't. He had tried many times.

"You shouldn't be ashamed because of them. You should be proud, you know?" Remus turned around to see one pair of brilliant green eyes looking down at him.

"I haven't heard you come." He said lightly, even though he was surprised that he had been that deep in thought, that he didn't hear the steps on the dry ground.

Harry sat down next to him and looked down into the dark water.

"Couldn't sleep?" He finally asked. Remus just shook his head, when he felt a warm arm wrapping around him. Harry seemed to take away his insecurity and Remus leaned in to the embrace, glad to feel something as normal as this. Nobody had been able to take his humanity away and he was proud to be able to say that – Fenrir Greyback and Voldemort had taken away so many things, but it didn't matter.

When they finally let go of each other the sun had risen already.

"Have you eaten breakfast?" Remus asked concerned as he was. When Harry shook his head Remus pushed him off.

"Hurry, hurry. Don't be late for your first class in your NEWTs year!" Harry just stuck out his tongue, but got up nevertheless and disappeared back towards the castle.

Remus enjoyed the still warming sun in his face for a few more minutes before getting up and slowly making his way through students who were hastily running towards the Great Hall for a quick breakfast, which reminded him of James and Sirius. Even though those two mostly didn't even get into the Great Hall before the first class, they were always late, when they did. Mostly they just went to their first class straight away, no matter how hard he had tried to get them out of their beds earlier. Once he had even tried cold water, however they had only used a drying charm and were late anyway. He chuckled lightly while entering the DADA classroom and sitting down behind his desk. It was a bit awkward to sit there, because he didn't have any essays to mark yet, so he got back up and leaned against the window, watching some students run down towards Hagrid's hut and others heading towards Greenhouse 5, which made him smile. So many things reminded him of James, Sirius and Peter. It was actually sad that half of them had died during the battle, and even though of course Padfoot would never forgive Peter for what he had done, secretly Remus had done so. He knew he would never talk to Sirius about it, he knew that it wouldn't get them anywhere and was wise enough to just let it be.

The first classes passed in a blur. One moment seemed to stretch endlessly, then again two hours passed without him even noticing it. To his surprise most students accepted and tolerated him, even though he had expected questions, accusations and stares. He realized, now more than ever, that this job suited him quite well – he enjoyed teaching to an extend he never thought possible with all the memories Hogwarts held.

However, this didn't make him any less nervous about teaching somebody he was currently seeing – especially since he was certain it wasn't just a fling or anything alike – he wasn't a person for those anyhow – even when he was younger. On top of that – he would never have kissed Harry – James' son – if he hadn't been absolutely serious – no pun intended – about it.

Luckily this didn't happen until lunch, so he had some time to calm, before he was forced to face this slightly uncomfortable situation.

Lunch was there, and then it was gone, he had seen Harry, but realized that he couldn't go up to him in the Great Hall. He had furiously discussed an article in some book with Hermione, while Ron was eating everything in his reach. Remus wondered what they were up to – he couldn't believe Harry was so deep in homework on his first day at lunchtime already. Chuckling he returned to the classroom early, sorting his papers for the next lesson for the twentieth time.

Harry's first day hadn't been going too bad after all, and even though it usually made him upset, for once he was glad he didn't have to face Snape. He did feel slightly guilty even thinking that, seeing as that man had tried to save him, for basically all his life, even though it was for his mother's sake, not for his own, but sometimes he just couldn't help himself. He still didn't really know what to make of the whole love triangle, especially since he didn't really know his parents too well after all. Of course, he felt like he knew them – they were his parents after all – but still.

During lunch Hermione had brought up a topic that had distracted him, though. When she had checked one of the books in the library they had discovered that Voldemort hadn't really been mentioned much in any of the Newer History books – and Hermione had set her mind to changing it. For once he agreed with her, however, he didn't know whether writing it all down and sending it to the Ministry was such a good idea at this point.

Finally they had agreed to ask Remus later on, he surely knew what to do about this.

Even though Harry had been really early when he started to go to his DADA class, he didn't manage to be alone. Suddenly he became so nervous about addressing Remus as his teacher, he just didn't ménage to go in. He quickly fled into the bathroom, leaning his head against the cold wall, trying to calm himself down. So many scenarios flooded his head; he shivered slightly and nearly thought about visiting madam Pomfrey instead of going to this class. He realized that it was awfully silent round him and panicked slightly when he realized that he was ten minutes late by now. Hurrying through the empty corridor, he thought about a good excuse, knowing that he probably wasn't going to be able to say a word anyway.

Finally he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and knocked on the door of the DADA classroom.


	16. Chapter 16

„Come in. "

Remus' calm voice scared him even more. Would he be mad at him, being late for the first class? Would Remus think Harry couldn't even handle something as simple as this? His heart was nearly jumping out of his chest when he entered the classroom.

He looked down at the floor, imagining it was Professor McGonagall standing in the front – he just couldn't look up into those amber eyes – he was too scared of what he would find there: Rejection? Disappointment?

"I'm sorry, Professor."

He sat down between Neville and Ron taking his book out and stared down at his table, holding on to the sleeves of his rope. His thoughts were racing. He felt people looking at him, but he had gotten quite good at ignoring those lately.

Harry realized that sitting right in front of Remus like this wouldn't make things any better. He took a deep breath and raised his eyes from the table.

Remus looked as handsome as ever in his dark blue Sweater that he wore underneath his robes that day. He leaned slightly against his desk, lecturing about something and Harry couldn't stop following those hands with his eyes. He felt distracted and after half of the hour had passed, he realized that he had no idea what even the topic of today's class was.

Not only was he lost in the view of that handsome man he loved, he also wondered whether or not Remus would accept a simple apology.

When dismissing the class Harry felt Remus' eyes on him, as he quickly pushed his books into his bag.

"Harry, would you kindly stay behind?" He heard that voice, so friendly, just slightly strict, as if Remus would take a few points off of him and tell him to be on time the next day, and that was all there was to it.

He sat back down on his chair and wondered what that class had been about.

"Hermione?" he said, hoping all the rushing students would be louder than his voice.

She looked at him, somewhat concerned, but also her typical look of you-broke-the-rules upon her face.

"Can I borrow your notes?" He whispered desperately. He would have asked Ron, but he doubted Ron had taken any, seeing as it was kind of ridiculous to think any of them would fail their DADA NEWTs… They were only taking it, so nobody could say they only got their jobs, because they were famous. On top of that he couldn't read Ron's handwriting.

Hermione just pushed them towards him, touched his hands slightly with hers and then she and Ron exited the classroom leaving him behind with Remus.

Was he supposed to say something, apologizing, explaining himself? Even though Harry had loads of experience with breaking the rules and its consequences – as various people had pointed out repeatedly – he definitely wasn't accustomed to be caring so deeply about what the person opposite would think of him afterwards.

Only when he felt a hand on his shoulder, calming him, he realized that he had been sitting there, trembling. He liked to be the brave one, courageous, never even thinking twice before throwing a fight – but he knew himself that he didn't quite have the experience in this, to be that way. He couldn't just throw a few curses and everything would be alright.

He still stared at Hermione's note, holding them so tightly that his knuckles had turned white, without having read a single word. He tried to concentrate, at least on the topic that Hermione had written on the top of the piece of parchment, in her small clean writing, but it just wasn't working.

"Harry, look at me." Remus' voice didn't sound disappointed or anything really. He didn't scream and from all that Harry could tell he just seemed confused. Why wasn't he screaming his lung out? That was something Harry could take something he was used to and knew how to deal with.

"Forget the notes… I don't care whether you can sum up what I tried to teach this lesson, even though I suppose you couldn't even tell whether I was talking about the venom of a Basilisk or trying to teach you a curse that would help you fighting Dark Magic."

When Harry still refused o move he felt two fingers underneath his chin, carefully pushing his face up, until bright green locked with amber brown.

Harry had expected to see anything in those eyes, but love certainly wasn't what he had foreseen. He had always known that he wouldn't be the next Trelawney.

Confused he stared into those kind, loving eyes. Remus chuckled.

"You really are adorable, when you are confused, did you know?" He said, the laugh still printed on his beautiful face.

"Aren't you mad at me?" Harry asked, without mentioning the former comment.

Remus sighed and shook his head.

"Harry, Harry, Harry… did you really think I would break up with you because you were a few minutes late to my class? I know that this isn't easy on you and if you wanted to end it now… I would understand. But I don't think you do, and I definitely want…"

He pressed his lips to Harry's forehead brushing the scar that made Harry so… unique… with his lips.

Usually Harry hated it to let it be seen or even worse touched, but with Remus it always had been different. Remus didn't love him because of the scar, but even though he had it. He didn't care that it was there, he just loved Harry for who he was.

"But it's hard for you, too…" Harry whispered in response, so quietly that Remus could have overheard him – and still to his strengthened senses Harry's voice was as clear as if he had been screaming.

"It is different to talk to a group of people, when you love one of them, and to pretend you don't than to listen, to pay attention to the one person you love, Harry. I know how hard it would be for you – but you have time. Take it… You have all the time you need."

He gently took Harry's hand off of Hermione's paper and held Harry's finger soothingly between his own.

"But if my NEWTs-"

"Harry, if anybody will master those DADA NEWTs without any problems, it's you! After you defeated Voldemort, do you think anybody in their right mind would let you fail? But if it really bothers you that much… I will give you as many private lessons as you want."

Finally Harry calmed down a bit. It was going to be okay.

Remus wasn't mad or disappointed in him; he still loved him all the same. And when Remus pulled him in a tight embrace Harry let go and let his muscles relax.

"I love you." He whispered as Remus stroked his hair, as if he was a little kid.

And at this moment he felt just like that… a feeling he wasn't all too familiar with.

"I love you, too, little one…"

And maybe it really was that simple.


End file.
